Back to school zombie shopping

The typical student after becoming a zombie

Another summer done, another summer survived from the undead. The biggest season for zombie attacks may be over, but the danger is far from finished because school is starting up again.

Undeadology studies have proven that the biggest site of off-season attacks occurs at schools because of the high concentration of the living. This should not scare anyone into dropping out of college or taking their kids out of class and homeschooling them. Instead, it should be an inspiration to take advantage of back-to-school shopping.

The most common weapon for a student to use is the standard no.2 pencil. This instrument, when freshly sharpened, can easily puncture through the jugular of a zombie, sending it to a bloody grave within minutes. A pack of pencils and a sharpener should always be at hand.

Scissors are very similar to this crude tool, too. A pair of scissors (the pointy, stainless steel kind since no one wants to make the zombies prettier using the decorative kind of scissors) can be used as a stabbing device, like pencils, and they can also be used as a cutting device capable of slicing through the bloodthirsty menace like butter. The most important rule to remember, though, is that safety comes first. No one should ever run with scissors, even with zombies breathing down their neck. Pencils, sharpeners, and scissors can all be found at the local Office Max store.

People enrolled in a chemistry class are in luck. A chemistry classroom can be one of the safest places to be in the terms of available weaponry. Thanatological chemists (scientists who specialize in chemistry related to death) suggest that in the event of a zombie attack, a chemistry student should mix multiple chemicals together in beakers, shake them to stir up a reaction, and then launch them in the direction of the nearest threat. One should always be equipped with a lab coat, gloves, and goggles in order to protect from the splash factor of the chemical weapons. These supplies can be picked up from the ASU Bookstore.

Many times it is just too dangerous to mix random chemicals or attempt close-combat with a zombie. In such times, it is best to use one of the most effective and simple weapons ever-- the slingshot. Using a forked stick, a rubber band, and a few rocks, a long-distanced striking device capable of taking chunks of undead flesh off can be created. For a substitution, Michaels has bags of marbles available that are just as effective as the average stone.

So, the conclusion of summertime should not end the constant cautious attitude toward the possibility of an upcoming attack. Zombies have no schedule.