As a master zombie scholar it is my duty to fulfill the queries of the people, and I am happy to oblige. Mallory “Subsister” Morrow dropped me a line asking which is the superior weapon class for use in a zombie outbreak. An exhaustive number of factors must be taken into account when preparing for any life-threatening situation, and a war with the walking dead is no exception.
First, some people hold to the notion that machine guns and shotguns will dominate when our fair planet is overrun. These pre-dead are notoriously difficult to persuade and must be denied entrance into your group. Tactical and common sense dictate that only light rifles and pistols need apply for a revenant extermination mission. Likewise only Katana-types, proper axes, and machetes should be considered. As post-apocalyptic survival is concerned, the semi-auto rifle and machete are the best in class, so we’ll focus on them.
A good machete is hefty and will not bend. Do not get it from Wal-Mart. The main drawbacks of bladed weapons are proximity and energy. You have to be close and you have to use human power. However, the numerous benefits of a blade make up for these in spades.
1. A machete blade is still useful well after it has dulled. They are never really finely honed to begin with. You can bet a dull machete will still split a wig with ease.
2. If you break a machete blade it is still a formidable weapon. Even if the blade breaks completely off, you can easily fashion a new knife out of it.
3. A machete is a multi-tool. It can be used as a knife, an ax, a trenching tool. Some broad kukris are even used to cook on.
4. Blades are silent killers.
5. You can get one anywhere, except Wal-Mart.
6. You probably won’t miss the zombie in front of you with a knife. If you did, there is nothing that could have helped you.
7. There is a great chance that the damage from a blade would kill the creature in one blow. One shot, one kill.
8. You don’t have to load a machete or find ammo. Ever.
9. The heaviest machete is lighter than a rifle and it’s accompaniments.
10. It’s stupid proof. You’re not knife fighting, you’re cleaving zombies. No training required.
Guns fare less well I’m afraid… much less. The only real advantage of a gun is distance (and that you can go ahead and get one at Wal-Mart). Guns are powerful yes, but the hew of a blade if far more devastating than a bullet. You could argue that a rifle stock could double as a melee weapon, but you’d probably use it incorrectly and die screaming in the jaws of a shambling ghoul. Let’s take a look at the rifle's many shortcomings.
1. Ammo!
2. If I may paraphrase my good friend Jenae, “It’ll just be locked up when you need it and you’ll get killed anyway.” This would only pertain to the initial outbreak, but dead in the beginning is undead forever.
3. Headshots do not necessarily mean death. To completely destroy the brain with a bullet may take a couple shots. A couple perfectly placed shots to a jolting head several dozen yards away.
4. You need a good amount of skill and knowledge to properly operate a firearm. The Zombiclypse is no time to be learning.
5. They’re damn loud.
6. Your rifle will wear out and break and you will be eaten because of it.
7. More ammo…
8. You need specific supplies to clean and maintain a gun.
9. The aforementioned supplies and ammo add considerable weight.
10. Your measure of safety has to account for the idiot with a gun behind you.
Remember when choosing a weapon that it will be used primarily for fighting the deceased, not the living. A big ol’ gun might make you feel like the biggest badass in the wastes, but you’ll have to lug around that inflated ego, and bombast doesn’t translate into zombese.
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Comments
There's always a risk when you get within machete range of a zombie. And if you're up against more than one zombie, well, just remember that a lot of wanna-be heroes now prefer a gray-matter diet.
thank u for clearing that up. now just to find a good matchetes....
I disagree. A machete would be rendered ineffective if you run into a zombie that is wearing a helmet. I know what your thinking. How many zombies could be possibly wearing a helmet? A lot more than you think. Since the initial outbreaks will likely be mistaken for riots. Imagine going up against a bunch of undead police officers who died in full Riot Gear, with nothing but a machete. And In the Zombie Apocalypse the Army has stood and fallen... and stood again. I have serious doubts about a machete vs a motorcycle helmet. But against a Tactical Ballistic Helmet? Since those things are made of Kevlar, that machete might as well be made of Nerf. Everybody uses them too. The Army, Marines, SWAT, National Guard and Special Forces teams. You can swing for the neck but that only leaves a 3-5 inch window for the kill zone. That's a big gamble considering the how close they have to be.
Wielding a machete, even a light one, for minutes at a time is surprisingly wearying work. It takes a good deal of muscle or precision to kill with a machete, and the undead are discourteous enough to attack en masse without giving you time for a breather and a chance to switch arms. Additionally, your first machete slip, drop, stick or miss will probably be your last, since you're well within grabbing and biting range. Even if you manage to hit your target every time and never get your machete stuck in bone, and can carry on hacking and killing long enough without a break to kill ALL of the zombies in an area, you'll be coated in gore and likely get infected anyhow. A machete is a good option for times when close fighting is unavoidable, but a smart survivor should be killing those zombies well before they get within melee range. Preferably from the roof of a building.
nutkicker89,
The highly situational combat you describe is a bit out of the scope of this article, but I wanted to address it. I was merely listing the vast superiority of a blade on a battlefield where expert knowledge and resources would be limited. Every survivor should have at least one gun; it's just not as perfect a tool. Apocalyptic fighting should be a matter of necessity not bravado. If you see a group of helmeted ghouls be joyful in their limited senses and pass by. Riot gear slows the living and it will doubly hinder a zombie, giving you plenty of time to leave the area.
Stay fearful and vigilant.
Ben
Apocalypse Dan,
You are correct in that blade fighting is exhausting work. However, entering a combat situation in which you are swarmed is certain death, no matter the weapon. Zombiclypse combat could be successful with no more than 3/1 odds. Zombie groups are slow, easily spotted, and should be avoided.
You need not worry about undead gore. A zombie has no functioning circulatory system and thus its blood will settle to its lowest point, the legs. Unless you are attacking at the feet you should not see any fresh blood from wounds.
As for the "smart survivor", if you shoot from your encampment you will draw the ghouls to your doorstep. If you are on the roof, you are already dead.
Stay fearful and vigilant.
Ben
While semi-automatic is the way to go, noises do attract zombies so you'll want to keep your bullet spraying to a minimum unless you want to do a LOT more of it. Crossbows are ideal as they are quiet and have range. Also, I would totally suggest a crowbar vs a machete. More structural integrity, plus you can use it to bust into locked buildings aiding you in your nomadic lifestyle of survival.
a crowbar? i know how heavy a crowbar is[dont ask questions] and i also know how heavy small matchete[or big ass combat knife] and id much prefer that to a crowbar. the crowbar has limited uses so unless after ur zombie killing spree u have the urge to steal car radios, or break-in to someplace[and not hide cuz u broke the door so no longer a good hiding stop] then ur much better off with the matchete, even a big one would be better, granted that opion is based off of no personal knowledge of how heavy the bigger matchete is.
I agree, a crowbar makes little to no sense. It is far too heavy, and a machete has more range of motion. Also it's easily portable as opposed to the heavy ass crowbar. Plus, you have to destroy the brain, how many times are you going to hack at a zombie with a crowbar? A machete has more visible results, plus it seems cleaner.
Well, my addition is two fold: If working with a group (which all survivors of the outbreak should probably try to do) A sturdy spear with a strong cross guard would be quite effective at keeping the undead at bay while a buddy adds the finishing blow. As well, a solid bow and arrow (leaf or hunting head arrows preferably) would be a nice ranged weapon since you could conceivably reuse the ammo, and loot plenty more at most sporting goods stores. Even if you can't kill them, you can also pin them to nearby scenery and seriously cramp their homicidal hunger.
Armor is another part that should be considered, since most armor now focuses on protecting the vitals, which is not the areas in danger. Instead you have to armor your extremities like your arms, legs, and neck. Cuz one bite, and its all over. Tellin' ya, first stop for me after the apocalypse is definitely Sports Authority.
Oh, and to comment on the crowbar: If you are with a group, SOMEONE should be carrying a crowbar, because they are as useful as duct tape and you never run out. Believe me, when a padlocked door is the between you and escaping a zombie horde, SOMEONE having a crowbar is preferable to trying to crack it with your machete handle or wasting your already limited ammo by shooting it.
Oh, and for those damned helmeted zombies? Aluminum Baseball bat or a good claw hammer would be perfect. During the middle ages one of the most effective weapons against armored knights were the various bludgeons because the shock would still transfer right thru the metal armor. Also remember, a zombie with 2 broken legs is even slower than your average zombie, so you don't always have to go for the kill shot
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