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Waiting for Mr. Right: Case study from a matchmaker
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Case Studies From A Matchmaker:
Mr. Right And The Power ShiftAll of my male matchmaking clients are serious about finding long-term relationships and successful enough to afford a service such as mine, two things women care about. One of my candidates, Michelle, was no exception. She joined the candidate pool with Perfect Search when she was 33 years old searching for her Mr. Right. She was a gorgeous woman with a face like Michelle Pfeiffer, big blue eyes, high cheekbones and long blond hair. Her waist was tiny and she had a beautiful figure. I was pleased to have her in my pool and thought I would have no trouble finding a match for her. She would be a “piece of cake”. But what I didn’t understand was that Michelle would actually become one of the hardest cases I have had. She suffered from the princess syndrome, became a serial dater and waited too long for kids. Her own sense of entitlement came to be her downfall.
Princess Syndrome
In high school Michelle had been the prettiest girl in her graduating class. Guys pursued her relentlessly and she enjoyed the power she had over them. She was serially dating in her 20s leaving one guy for another, after another. She left each one for someone a little better until at last, I introduced her to Edward, the man of her dreams. Edward had exceptional hazel eyes that looked almost turquoise in the sun. He was tall, dark, trim, handsome, and wealthy. He made his money in the hedge fund business in the early 1990s and expanded his wealth over the decades. Edward was a catch, and Michelle knew she wanted to marry him within the first month. It wasn’t as fast for Edward, after all he had so many options. He was 42, handsome, rich, and available. Never married, he was waiting to be sure he found his perfect-10 before popping the question. Michelle was 33, from a nice family, and would be a great mother. Bottom line, Michelle was hot and Edward could picture her as his Mrs. Right. It took him 6 months to make up his mind but he finally proposed to her on her 34th birthday.
Edward traveled frequently for work, which became a problem once they got engaged. One fateful trip, he left on a Friday for a four-day weekend in LA, called Michelle once upon his arrival, and once on Sunday, but not every day like she had hoped. Michelle was furious when he returned and admonished him, “Why didn’t you call me Saturday night? And what about Monday? I didn’t even know when you would be home. How could you treat me this way? No man has ever treated me so disrespectfully, and here we are about to be married!”
Michelle had always been the princess, and she wasn’t going to allow any man to treat her otherwise. After all, she was the prize and if he wanted to marry her then he better treat her as such. From Michelle’s perspective, Edward continued to under-appreciate her throughout the engagement: He spoke on his cell phone during dinner dates, failed to let her sit in the seat with the best view, looked at other beautiful women who were sitting at the next table and expected Michelle to drive to his neighborhood for dinner dates. He had no idea who he was dealing with, Michelle thought. She knew she was a catch and Edward showed no signs that he realized it. Did he have any idea how many guys had wanted to marry her in the past? Didn’t he know how lucky he was that she had said yes to him? -Apparently, not. Edward tolerated the rants and tantrums for about a month after the LA trip, and then called off the wedding and moved on. Michelle was dumped. She lost her big fish.
What Michelle failed to realize was that the Power Shift phenomenon was in play. Edward was becoming more and more powerful in his late 30s. He was a catch, and he knew it. Women were lined up to date him and although Michelle was by far the most beautiful, her sense of entitlement was frightening to him, and unacceptable. If she behaved like this now, Edward thought, what would marriage to her be like?
She was a beautiful woman accustomed to adoration and still thought of herself as entitled to worship from the men she took for granted in her 20s. Yet, as she progressed through her 30s guys weren’t putting up with her demands any more. She was no longer a young woman and had become neurotic in her expectations. She was constantly complaining, never satisfied and always putting men down. She ultimately emasculated men. Michelle was used to men jumping through hoops for her and thought of herself as the only prize when in fact, Edward was a prize too. If Michelle had appreciated him in terms he understood and expected, she would have married her Mr. Right by her 35th birthday and would now be well on the way toward creating her beautiful family.
Serial Dater
After Edward, no one else could possibly measure up as far as Michelle was concerned. Some guys she dated were as successful, but not as handsome. Some were as handsome, but they were broke. Some were handsome and successful, but they were divorced with children. Michelle wanted a guy with out kids. She was a great catch and felt she deserved a guy who hadn’t yet had a family. She wanted to be wife number-one-and-only. Michelle dated and dated and dated all through her 30s searching for her Mr. Right. When she found someone close, he would slip away just like Edward, or she would dismiss him the minute he failed to treat her as the princess she thought herself to be. Michelle had become a serial dater searching for her bigger fish.
Serial daters are women who keep saying "next” because there were so many options for her in her youth. The serial dater is not willing to forgive any flaws or wait for mid-course corrections in a relationship. She may like a guy but feels she can do better. “Quite frankly, I’m looking for a bigger fish.” No relationship sticks. She may have dated a guy with money in the past, and now no man compares unless he is super wealthy. She is still mooning over the one who rejected her but the reality is, she may have been shooting too high. The wealthy guy is also searching for his perfect “10”, his “Grace Kelly”, and unless she can fit the bill she will find herself alone or will have to trade in her expectations of a perfect man for someone more realistic.
Waiting Too Long For Kids
Michelle’s 30s came drawing to a close and by 39 she still hadn’t found her guy. She felt a frantic sense of desperation. She was almost 40, still childless and her panic was apparent to all men who dated her. Every date felt like a fertility interview as she attempted to accelerate relationships beyond the natural pace. She was still breathtakingly beautiful, as she had maintained her figure and took care of her looks, but her age was beginning to show. She was trying to snag a man to father her children too late. She was competing with women 28 to 33 years old who had the luxury of a slow courtship, marriage for a few years, and then two or three kids before 40. Sadly, Michelle waited too long for kids and potential suitors sensed this. In short, she carried a neon sign that read: Single Woman Seeks Mr. Right to Father Brood Immediately. Powerful men won’t bother. Her chances were dwindling and she was panicked.
What was going on was that Michelle’s princess, sense of entitlement had become her own worst enemy. She waited too long for kids and didn’t give potentially, great-guys a chance. She would dismiss them heartlessly for the first dating mistake and was holding out for Mr. Right. What she didn’t understand was that Mr. Right has options too. And Mr. Right wants Ms. Right, and Ms. Right isn’t 40 years old trying to have kids for the first time. If Michelle wanted to land her Mr. Right at age 40 she needed to understand that Mr. Right may have be right under her nose all the time and that men in their 40s and 50s are the prize too. She will have to jump through a few hoops of her own and value him as such if she wants to be his Ms. Right.
For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com
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