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It's all about finesse

So…Mahmoud...babe…what were you thinking? If you're going to steal an election, you have to use a little more finesse.

I mean, come on….63 percent? With an unprecedented turnout like that? I don't think so. And apparently even the Supreme Leader didn't buy it, because now he has called for an investigation.

You see, where you made a mistake, was going for a mandate. I know, you wanted to appear popular. It's understandable. And I don't blame you. We all want to be popular.

But geez buddy, when the first guy who calls to congratulate you is Venezuela's Hugo Chavez…well, you get my drift. This points out another thing you could use, a good secretary. You needed someone to tell Hugo to call back later in the week. You needed someone with a little more gravitas to call first. Like Qaddafi. Kidding.

So, look. There's no crying over spilt milk, but given the circumstances, it was a horrible overreach. You should have told your boys to make it a lot tighter of a race. 52 to 46…say…with the other two guys getting the rest. Then you wouldn't have gotten all this sturm und drang. (Look it up, it's a great German phrase and very apropos your situation.)

Yup. It should have been a lot closer. You see, that's democracy. Then folks would have sat around the TV all night, or even all weekend like in other democracies, waiting for precincts to report in.  I mean, it's not like you didn't have a handle on it. Who controls the  Interior Ministry? You do. And who runs the elections??? They do. Hello??  McFly??

Another overreach was the calling the election 5 minutes after polls closed. Yes I know they do it in the US, and yes, the US is no stranger to stolen elections, but our polling stuff is pretty good. But, hey, in all the craziness of election eve, people get excited.

But what's done is done. What now?

First of all, stop messing with the media. You can't control them. Well, maybe the guys in Tehran, but the western media live for this stuff. When they smell blood in the water, look out. Look what happened to Nixon. And no, Berlusconi doesn't count.

I know how you're feeling right about now. It's like you got a new Porsche and the Supreme Leader isn't going to let you play with it right away. But, as you go into the investigation, you have to at least create the illusion that you believe it's the right thing to do. I know, you don't want to, but for appearances sake, play along.
 

I'd like to assume that you and your boys have been busy all weekend, printing new ballots and stuffing ballot boxes. But with the way you've handled things so far, I'm not optimistic. But who knows, this overreach might be a good thing, I mean it might be the one big thing that finallly restores democracy to Iran, and you might get a statue somewhere. OK...maybe not in Iran, but Hugo might be amenable.