Losing Jeff: Death by suicide

September 27, 12:29 AMFamily Grief & Bereavement ExaminerCarol A. Ranney

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Jeffrey Nolan Thomas     July 7, 1984 ~ August 27, 2000

The Testimony of Brenda Hoye

My husband tells me that the fact that I still proclaim Jesus Christ as my Savior after all I’ve been through is my testimony.  He always says that the Lord will someday use me to tell “my story” to give hope to others.  I doubt that I will ever be able to tell it, though—it is a pain that lies deep in the core of my soul, a suppressed pain that I try to keep buried.  That is what Satan wants, though...for me to wallow in my sorrow, guilt, insurmountable sadness, anger, unresolved grief, and seemingly never-ending acute pain, but the Lord is the one that has the power, and He walks by my side:  hurting with me, crying with me, holding me up, and loving me unconditionally.  I am slowly beginning to walk in the light, live by my faith, and put my trust in the Lord. 

Since August 27, 2000, I have walked only in darkness.  Even on the brightest, sunniest day, it is so very dark.  That is because I wouldn’t allow God to be in charge of my life so, of course, it was dark. I was so mad at Him for so long.  I couldn’t even fathom that I would have any kind of a life, nor did I want to have one anyway.  How was I going to live through this pain—I didn't think it was possible.  Of course, the Lord, all-knowing, waited patiently for me to come back.  I pretty much had turned my back on Him when my mom died 17 years ago.  I couldn’t believe He wouldn’t heal her (my will).  Years and years later, I finally accepted that He did heal her, and she didn’t die!!  Praise the Lord for that!  Then, I pretty much kept Him in and out of my life after that.

In 1999, my husband of 19½ years died by suicide.  That was so very hard to get through, plus I carried the hurt for our two children that were left behind, who were 15 and 18 years old at the time.  I took it one-day-at-a-time, and we got through the best we could.  When I didn’t think anything could be worse than my husband killing himself, I was so very wrong.  On my daughter, Kelly’s 19th birthday, that fateful day in August, my 16 year old son, Jeff, shot himself.  I was in the next room when I heard “the noise.”  The aftermath of his suicide can’t even be put into words.  The shock, denial, overwhelming grief, unbelievable pain—the list is endless.  I still can’t believe he’s not here.  I begged God to let him come back—I demanded it.  Intellectually, I knew Jeff wouldn’t be back, but for about two years after he died, I still asked every day, many times a day.  I could not believe that God had forsaken me again.  I thought He loved me.  He was supposed to be a God of love.  Why wouldn’t He stop my son from shooting himself?  He can do anything. He wanted me to have PTSD?  He wanted me to have a life that would daily re-live that night?  He let Jeff die.  I didn’t like a God like that.  I told Him I hated Him.  I knew I couldn’t get through this.  I wondered what my daughter and I did to deserve a life (forever-changed, once again), an existence, like this. 

It has been a long, twisting, rocky, uphill climb, and for every two steps forward, sometimes I take three more backwards.  It hurts so bad, and I will never like what happened, but I do have to accept it. Whether it is revealed to me while I’m on earth will be up to the Father, but when I get to heaven, it will all be clear to me then.  His grace, love, and mercy have sustained me, and His strength has gotten me this far.  I can do ALL things through Him.  The prayers for the past five years have been powerful in my life.  God was with me the night Jeff died.  He immediately put his protective arms around me—I know that now.  His presence became clear to me in so many different ways that night, although it would take me a while to even allow that thought in my mind.  How could I admit God’s presence, when I was so angry at Him that my son was dead—a word I couldn’t even use when saying Jeff’s name...I pretended he wasn’t dead—I would tell new people that I met that he was 16, a junior in high school, had his license, etc., etc., and just be dying inside as I was saying this.  Other times, I would say I had a daughter—an only child.  This is the life God wanted and planned for me?  To hate to meet new people—always afraid of their questions?  Why did God want me to suffer like this? 

I didn’t think I was strong enough to go on.  I didn’t want to live anymore myself.  I was in a fog, I was so scared, and I just wanted to be alone and isolate myself (what the evil one wants).  I would never have dreamed I would bury my son, let alone to suicide, but I know he’s in heaven, and I do find comfort in that.  He lives in the Kingdom now.  I can only imagine!  Of course, I would rather he be here, but I know God’s plan is perfect.  I don’t ask for Jeff to come back anymore.  He wouldn’t want to leave anyway.  I just wish I had five more minutes with him.  I do pray fervently for God to help me—not to take away my pain, but to help me work through it, so I continue to look to Him for my healing, as only He can do.  He did send me an angel, my wonderful husband, three years ago.  Our relationship was God-breathed from day one...We knew that we knew that we knew.  He is the most wonderful man I have ever met. My Tom is truly my precious gift from God—God loves me so much that He gave me my true soul mate, and the best friend anyone could ever hope for.  I didn’t want to believe that a God that loved me would put me through two suicides.  I thought He had deserted me, put my life (what was left of it) in a million puzzle pieces, and was punishing me for something that I did.  I guess it was easier to blame God than start the journey of healing.  The Lord has used (and continues to use) Tom as His vessel to reveal the Truth to me, and show me the way back to the Lord, where I belong.  I do have joy in my life again.  I thank the Lord every day for Tom.  He shows me the face of Jesus every day of my life.  His love for the Lord is so awesome. 

I surrender the horror of the night that Jeff died to the Lord.  The evil one tries relentlessly to get me to take it back and continue to dwell on it, but I am protected and shielded by the armor of God, my God of love, and it feels good.  I am finally starting to take comfort in the Lord and His love for me...slowly peeling the layers away from “the mask” that I wear, and learning how to live without my little boy in my life. Some days are harder than others, and probably always will be, but I know I’m not alone—I never was.  I am so blessed...truly blessed beyond belief, and I thank God for that.  I’m amazed that I’m amazed...DUH, he’s God!  My answers have always been there—I just didn’t want to listen.  

Lastly, I ended up selling my house about eight months after Jeff died—Jeff’s room had to be re-done, as he shot himself in his bedroom, so it became a guest room.  It didn’t look anything like a teenage boy’s room.  My realtor told me weeks later that when she was taking the other realtors through the house, when she walked into that bedroom, she felt something in there as soon as she stepped inside of it—she described it as a joy and a peaceful and calming feeling.  We were both crying, as I told her about Jeff dying, and that that bedroom was his.  Also, my brother-in-law was the one that I called that night to go up to check on Jeff, as God would not allow me to open his bedroom door.  Dave told me months afterwards that when he was in Jeff’s room, he knew he wasn’t alone, and that he felt a presence.  He said it wasn’t just him and Jeff in there.  I know that God came and took my buddy home...no more tears, no more pain, no more sadness for him...I love and miss my son desperately, but I know I’ll see him again. 

I came upon this verse about a year after Jeff died—I would repeat it over and over when I found myself falling in the depths of despair.  "God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18 

Further Reading:

Goodbye Jeanine: A Mother's Faith Journey After Her Daughter's Suicide by Joyce Sackett.  A faith journey from the despair of a family member’s suicide back to hope and joy.

After Suicide:  A Ray of Hope for Those Left Behind by E. Betsy Ross & Eleanora Betsy Ross

My Son…My Son:  A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss or Suicide by Iris Bolton.

Suicide loss newsletters and support groups:
Suicide Bereavement Support, . Subscribe to the newsletter with the online form.

Suicide.org has an online forum for suicide survivors over age 14; those 14-17 must have parental permission to join.  The website has many helpful articles and resources, and a listing of support groups in the US and Canada.

Broken Hearts, Living Hope is a free newsletter distributed worldwide to families who have lost a child of any age, pre-birth through adulthood, to any cause.  Share your story, link up with others who have had a similar loss, read helpful articles and comforting poems.  Download a subscription form from the website.