Christmas after bereavement

November 10, 9:02 PMFamily Grief & Bereavement ExaminerCarol A. Ranney

Previous Next

Comment Print Email RSS Subscribe

Subscribe

Get alerts when there is a new article from the Family Grief & Bereavement Examiner. Read Examiner.com's terms of use.

Email Address   Include other special offers from Examiner.com Terms of Use

Calvin's Christmas Angel
C Ranney

After we have lost a child, every milestone is a cause for fresh mourning. If your child died on the 27th of the month, or the 4th of the month, the return of that date in following months comes like a jolt— “Has it really been a whole month? Six whole months?” we ask. Our child’s first birthday without him or her stabs with pain as we realize anew all we have lost. Every milestone seems like a door closing behind us, leaving a little more distance between us and our children .

Christmas is one of the most difficult of all days, particularly the first year, but in subsequent years as well. The dates of other milestones are largely private, but not so Christmas. Two months beforehand we are inundated with advertisements, decorations, music, and continual instructions that we must be jolly and celebratory. Unless our loss has been very, very recent, friends and even family may assume we are “over the worst of it,” and plan on our taking part in all the traditions, rituals and social occasions of the holidays.

Now that the holiday season is here, many of us find that we are facing the coming month with great dread rather than any anticipation. You may feel that leaving town is the only option, and for some families, that may be the best choice. If you do choose to spend the holidays elsewhere, though, don’t forget to plan for your return home.

Planning ahead and making specific decisions about different aspects of the season is the key to regaining some control over how the last weeks of the year will be spent, and will save you stumbling for an answer when invitations and questions come your way.  First, think through what things are causing you anxiety, and what you expect to have to deal with in the coming weeks. Some common things for most of us are Christmas gifts; a tree; greeting cards; Christmas baking; church activities and programs; and often invitations for meals with others. Which things do you really want to do? If you have other children, which things are so important to them that they can’t be left out?

Many holiday tasks can be simplified and still retain some of their familiarity. Buy part of your holiday meal pre-cooked, or go out to eat. Get a small tree and use only your very favorite decorations. Sending a “form letter” type holiday greeting will save you from having to tell your story over and over; later, respond as you are able to the cards you receive. Having addresses pre-printed on labels and using self-stick postage stamps can take some of the work out of sending cards; have a child or a friend put on the stamps and addresses.

If you know you will receive many social invitations, decide ahead how you will answer. If you plan not to accept invitations this year, just saying so will save you from being invited over and over. If you do accept an invitation, qualify it with the understanding that you might cancel at the last minute if it seems too much.

Right now, the only important thing is what you and your family are comfortable handling. Most of what people will expect of you and invite you to are their efforts to include you, offer friendship, and help you to feel better. Very few people who have not been through a serious loss themselves can imagine the devastation you feel at losing a child. Also, many people are uncomfortable themselves with our pain and grief, and so do not mention our loss. If we have already decided ahead what we will and will not be doing, we will have a little bit of a buffer when others ask about our plans.

Besides cutting back on the activities that seem overwhelming, do some positive planning around the child you have lost. If you are doing something in his or her memory, it will give you a way to invest what energy you do have, and will give new meaning to the holiday. You might have your child’s picture on your return address labels, or as part of a Christmas letter. Some families have taken a name from a Giving Tree or Angel Tree, and provided Christmas gifts for a needy child the age of the one they lost. Our tree-top Christmas angel now holds a basketball in memory of my son.  You may want to contribute to some cause your child was enthusiastic about, a hospital or organization which helped your child, or to a youth group your child was part of. All these things will help keep your child’s memory alive for yourself, and also for others.

As time passes, you will find that your memories of and love for your child live in your heart and are with you each day, not left behind at the date of the death, and the significant dates become ones of special remembrance of your child rather than doors slamming between the past and present.

Remember that Christmas, at its core, is about the coming of Christ as the Savior of the world. In spite of our best efforts, all the trappings of the traditional American celebration tend to obscure that, but with the death of your own child, the true story of Christmas will stand as the only really meaningful, important event. It’s as if the tears of grief wash away everything superficial and unimportant. Even as a child, and especially after the loss of my son, my favorite Christmas carol has been “O Little Town of Bethlehem...in thy dark streets shining, the everlasting Light; the hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight”. This Christmas and throughout the holiday season, may you find the true meaning of Christ’s coming as a baby in the manger, and know yourself at peace with the Father, who gave His only Son for us so that we can now face both our fears and grief, and rejoice in the hope that we have in Him.