The hard work of grief

October 27, 12:03 AMFamily Grief & Bereavement ExaminerCarol A. Ranney

Previous Next

Comment Print Email RSS Subscribe

Subscribe

Get alerts when there is a new article from the Family Grief & Bereavement Examiner. Read Examiner.com's terms of use.

Email Address   Include other special offers from Examiner.com Terms of Use

C Ranney

When my first son died, someone told me, “Grieving is probably the hardest work you will ever do.”  The exertion of grief intrudes itself into every aspect of life.  At first, shock probably cushions the full impact of the terrible truth.  Everything seems unreal, like a bad dream from which we will soon awaken.  We speak the words, “he died,” or, “she was killed…” and they seem ridiculous and obscene, words that could not possibly be true.  Again and again, we must try to believe the unbelievable, and imagine the unimaginable.

Once the shock begins to wear off, not a moment goes by when the oppressive weight and the dull emptiness of grief do not affect all we say, think and do.  Getting out of bed, getting dressed, thinking what to eat, all the mundane tasks of daily life that we once did automatically, now seem to carry a huge weight under which it is almost impossible to move.

The work of grief is mental and emotional as well as physical.  Crying is probably the most obvious and draining part of grief.  Women cry openly as well as when they are alone; men are generally forced by our society to stifle their tears until they have an opportunity to weep privately.  Some men are so indoctrinated with the “men don’t cry” philosophy that they find themselves unable to shed tears, even when it would provide catharsis and huge emotional relief.

The mental fatigue of grief can be so exhausting and disrupting that grieving people may feel they are losing their minds.  Extreme forgetfulness, disorganization, and the inability to think clearly and plan ahead efficiently are all normal results of the mental stress brought on by grieving.  With time, these symptoms will subside.

Grieving is a normal part of being human.  Being invested deeply in the lives of others is what makes life worthwhile, giving it meaning, joy and purpose.  Grief is the direct result of the love we have given and received in the process of living, and as Alan Wolfelt of the Center for Loss and Life Transition says, grief is both a necessity and a privilege.  It is the cost we pay for caring and involvement with others, and the effort it takes to mourn will help heal the wounds we have been dealt so that we can again, although forever changed, go forward with our lives.