The best small town in America. Ch III

March 7, 9:23 PMNY Wellness ExaminerRoger Ziegler

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Things got ugly at the mermaid beauty contest, but that's
where I met the love of my life.

“He’s a stinking bastard, but I love him anyway.” Victoria pulled back her long black hair into a Shetland ponytail that whinnied with disapproval but ultimately came under the bit, and sat down at our table.

“The bar is closed, until I finish my tale of woe and lost love.” The men groaned and clutched their beers like girlfriends at a scary movie. Victoria flashed them a squinty stare and continued. “There was a time when I would have done anything for Tommy, but that was before…”

“Tommy, that’s the Grand Kahlua’s real name, or at least the name she told him,’ whispered my new friend Half-beard Dan, called that because the left hafl of his face was bearded. His wild red frizzy fro strangely adding a counterbalance of legitimacy to his boyish mien.

"We met at a Miss Mermaid festival," she continued.  "Back in those days the movie ‘Splash’ had just come out and everyone was looking for real mermaids. Now most mermaids, as any mer-man will tell you, are ugly as sin. Butt ugly. There’s a reason sailors mistook us for manatees. But a few of us do alright and this guy was paying us to be in his beauty contest.

It seemed legit. What did I know, I had just come from the bottom of the sea where my best friend was a dolphin and a seagull named Morrie.

He told us he was part of Donald Trump’s Miss Universe pageant, but even from the start something was up. The host, a famous television and movie star invited me to dinner and made vague promises of “speaking to the judges” about me if I agreed.

I of course, did not.

The promoter guy wanted us “full mermaid” which meant the tail and the scales. Now the logistics of “full mermaid” are such that we can only be out of water for a short time in this way, the movie was right about some things, but we really need to be bathed, but the jerk promoter didn’t want to hear that or else he was too cheap to pay for a giant pool for us mermaids to swim in.

Either way, we go full maid, the crowd starts going wild, but then he turns the water off and us girls, there were about 15 of us, start to dry out. Now this is not like your hair going frizz on a winter day, ‘no offense Dan.”

“None taken,” said Dan, alternately clutching and swigging his beer.

“I mean, we are in danger of turning into fish food and with the hot lights, I know how a McDonald’s fish fillet feels only a lot less fattening. So someone is shouting, ‘they’re drying out, they’re drying out! Dear God, won’t someone do something before those fish-women dry out and stink!’ And one of the girls actually did pass out.

That’s when this guy jumped in out nowhere.”

“Wow, that was a great story, can I have another beer now?” It was Yukon Jack, half-bearded Dan told me he used to be the CEO of a major car company, now he slings hash browns at the Rusty Bolt in town and loves it. Biggest pothead in Cali.

“No,” said Victoria as if shushing a 9 year old. 

“So anyway, the guy says, ‘How dare you!” as he leaped over the security guards blocking the stage. They pounced on him, but he just did like a jujitsu thingy and they all went flying.

Everything was going blurry for me but I saw him grab the fire emergency chord, but only an alarm went off, so he took two of the security guards, rubbed their bald heads together until it caused enough friction to start a small fire and then bam, the sprinkler systems burst out raining on us.

Next he grabbed a giant parachute tunnel, like the kind they have in kids playrooms and dog obstacle courses and attached it to the sprinklers and funneled the water over all of us, just before he grabbed the promoter, tied him in seaweed and called the cops by firing a flare from his cell phone.

I collapsed soon after, by then, but I saw the Whale. The whale they tell you about. ‘Go to the whale,’ they say when you are dying, ‘go towards the whale.’

But next thing I know, I’m being carried to the beach by this striking guy, chiseled jaw and a manqué of hair curled down over his tightened forehead.

He sat me down under a palm tree, “Are you alright ma’am?”

“Unng, unngh,” was all I could muster. I let this stranger, who felt so familiar to me, moisten my scaly body. I flapped my tail weakly.

It was dark when I awoke again. He was still covering me with towels soaked in the ocean.

“I didn’t want to put you in the water, until I knew you could swim again,” he said as he wiped my crusting brow. “I know the salt water can kill you if you’re too dehydrated.”

“It was a good thing I was passing by. You got to watch out in this town, people will eat you alive. My name is Tommy and I became aware this year.”

That night I took him down to the Liquid café in gentle waves underneath the coral caves. We lost ourselves to the Sea Mind and blended our souls. Drinks were 2-for-1. It was then I fell instantly and completely falling in love with him. And he with me.

It was the biggest mistake of my life. No, no it was not a mistake. I could die right now, right now,” she banged our table for emphasis. Our beers jumped and woke us up.

“But he was gone the next day. The only thing that was left was a note scrawled on a starfish that read, ‘You are a true underwater angel. And I am the worst cad in the world. Please forgive me.’

He left me the phone number and the address of this bar here.

And I’ve never seen him again. I hate him for what he did to me. But I know he’ll come back, I know he will. Then I don’t know what I’ll do…” She whispered the last sentence as a promise almost to herself and I saw a small tear escape her eye, which she quickly brushed away with a webbed hand.

“If you only knew why he really left that night, you might not be so sad or hate him so much.” Everyone turned to look at the dark figure who as sitting amongst us the entire time but no one noticed until now.

“He was on a top secret mission; to save the world, but on his way there, he saw you and took the time to save you and your friends. But that was the most he could do.

“How do you know?” said Yukon Jack, sneaking behind the bar for a fresh one.

“I know, because I gave him the mission.”