Top 10 ways to succeed at failure

November 6, 9:54 PMNY Wellness ExaminerRoger Ziegler

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Times are tough, why fight it?

SNATCHING DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF SUCCESSS (remember, you can’t fail if you don’t try)

1. Be Distracted. Whatever you set out to do, make sure you do like 10 unrelated things first. This way by the time you get to the thing you want to do, you’ll either have forgotten it or are just “too tired mentally” to even think about it. Say you want to look for a job: get a snack first; catch “a few minutes” of The View; re-read old emails that are no longer relevant; go to a park for some “fresh air;” stare off into space and wish, just wish, you were successful and happy; take a four hour lunch; drink a lot of beer and wake up at noon; gorge on ice cream and candy; view Internet porn every 12.5 minutes; occasionally raise your fist in the air and ask the world ‘why dammit, why me!?’, spend hours a day surfing the web hoping to find something "useful."

2. Somehow Hope It Will Happen. Rather than making a concerted effort with a clear plan, instead hope success will magically happen for you while you put in the least amount of effort possible to do anything about it.

3. Make Unreasonable Demands. If your boss or a client or a customer ask you to do something, anything, look them in the eye and make a “phhhff” sound. Then shake your head in disgust and tell them how they are doing it wrong and how you can do it much better.

4. Make Lots of Excuses. If you have a deadline, email or call the person to whom you owe the deadline at the last possible moment and tell them, “sorry dude, I’m under-slept, I’ll get it to you soon, I promise.” If they persist in demanding to know when, get testy and say “I’ll get to it when I get to it.”

5. Always Act Like It’s in the Bag. At the first, slightest hint of things going your way, sit back and relax and assume everything will continue to go fine. Anyway, You’ve got other, better, more important things to do like contemplate your greatness. Why waste time doing meaningless stuff for losers?

5. Lots of typos and misspellings. This is an easy one. Send out resumes with all kinds of speeling an grammatical errrors. You may even want to substitute Wednesday’s lunch menu from a Midwestern public school instead of your resume just to be sure.

6. Give like, 80%. Don’t give it your all, or you might occasionally get what you want. Do the bare minimum and assume the world is waiting for what you got. People should just know that you COULD do a great job if you really wanted to, but that would be showing off. But if they don’t know, that’s even better. No headaches.

7. Come in Late, Leave Early, Complain while you’re there. This is pretty self-explanatory.

8. Screw Up the Basics.  This is an easy one. Call people by the wrong name, don’t return calls, blow-off appointments, curse frequently and loudly, be condescending.

10. Keep Thinking About It. Just don’t do it.

10. Pretend to be someone you're not. Ignore or suppress any true feelings you might have as they will only get you closer to success. Try to fit in as much as possible. Be easily swayed by what you think other people might think about you. Sit down and shut up so no one can see the real you.

10. Blow it Off, Just Blow it Off. You don’t want to do it, so go do something else. You’re a person of caprice. Offer no explanations and get visibly upset if anyone questions you in any way.