Save the Date: Are you too boring?

May 13, 11:33 AMDallas Dating ExaminerLeah Shafer

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Being a boring conversationalist is the kiss of death on a date. Learning how to use your kisser to intrigue your date is a top priority. Psychiatrist and best-selling author Dr. Augusto Cury has five tips to help the art of date dialogue.

These are adapted from his new book, Think and Make it Happen: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Anxiety, Overcoming Negative Thoughts, and Discovering Your True Potential (Thomas Nelson, $23).

"The key to an excellent date isn't wine, the restaurant, or even your outfit—it's your ability to talk," Cury said. "And more importantly, to listen.

“Whether it's your first date or your hundredth date with someone special, you should ensure that your outing is memorable, not painful, by internalizing the qualities that make a compelling conversationalist,” he said. “I see many patients who complain about their relationships, and the first thing I do is coach them on their interpersonal dialogue skills."

Five tips for great date conversation

1.  Drop the cover.

"Dialoguing" means allowing yourself to be known by your date. So first things first: Are you wearing a social mask? Playing the part of an easy, breezy laid-back lady, when you're actually a punctual Type A? Let your dialogue reflect who you are. By letting your date see the real you, they will be more open in return, and transparency sets the stage for a fun, relaxing time together.

2.  Savor the stories.

Wonderful couples with wonderful beginnings too often have sad endings because they don't invest the time to truly get to know one another. Trading your quirky life tales isn't only fun, it communicates to your partner that you find them compelling. So, how did your date find his/her current job? What did they major in in college? What country are they dying to visit? By telling each other's stories, you might find out that you have more in common than you think.

3.  Tell a secret.

Telling a secret establishes a type of conspiratorial trust with your date, and more often than not, makes him/her feel pretty special that you shared it. Frequently, we're afraid of the embarrassment that comes with telling secrets; after all, you wouldn't admit to just anyone that you talk to your dog as if he were a person, or regularly eat ice cream with pickles. Are you afraid of talking about yourself? Are you afraid of being criticized, judged, or misunderstood? Relax. Revealing these personal tidbits helps keep your dialogue rich and interesting. After all, who wants a night full of generic datespeak?

4.  It's all about give and take.

While this conversation is about you being honest and open, it’s also about your date.Let them have an equal amount of time to talk about themselves and about their life. Listening is half of the conversation. All too often, we confuse “listening” with waiting for our turn to talk. That’s a dialogue killer! True conversation is like a tennis match – the ball, the topic, must continually go back and forth in order for meaning to be maximized. There can be no game, no dialogue, if one person insists on serving every shot.

5.  Have no shame.

Part of a date is the “getting to know each other process,” and in the conversation, you may touch on times you’ve screwed up, or could have done things differently. You must not be afraid of acknowledging your mistakes. Fearing judgment from your partner inhibit dialogue, and after all, mistakes are what make your own life story fascinating. Just don’t forget that this is a two-way street: listen without prejudice when your date is opening up as well.