Fly Naked: No searches, no armed passengers, no wrinkled clothing

July 2, 3:56 PMDC Ireland & UK Travel ExaminerLaura Harrison McBride

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These skies could get friendlier (Wiki commons)

About a year ago, on a flight to London’s Heathrow from Dulles, I had to take my shoes off. Everyone had to take their shoes off, and put them in a tray, and walk barefoot to the other side of the x-ray machine to retrieve them. I put mine on. I got on the plane. I landed in London. All was well. Not. A short time later, I realized the space between my toes was itching like mad. Yikes! Athlete’s foot. I’d never had any such thing in my life…but it’s obvious someone at Dulles did, and generously passed it around.

My solution to that? Fly naked. Buck naked. From top to toe. Not the staff, the passengers.

How’s that work? you might well ask, considering it was bare feet that got me into the fungus trouble. AHA! I worked out a plan. What else did I have to do on the flight form Heathrow to Dulles a few weeks later? OK. Virgin Atlantic does have a pretty good movie selection, but still, by the end of eight hours, mind and body both want some entertainment. What could be better than flying naked?

But, I hasten to add, everyone on the plane would actually be well covered. Well, sort of well covered, as in a hospital, because that’s the essence of my plan: hospital gowns and hospital slippers.

Here’s how it works:

• You arrive at the airport with your luggage, wallet or purse, and a clear-plastic gallon baggie.
• You check your bags, after taking any extraneous stuff out of your purse and putting that in the luggage, along with the purse itself, retaining only your wallet and ticket, if any (if you’ve an e-ticket, so much the better.). No exceptions. Then you put your wallet/ticket into the plastic baggie.
• You then check in; your ticket is confirmed, and the ticket number and your seat number, plus the fact that your passport (if an international flight) has been recorded (or whatever they do), and you put the passport back in your wallet along with the ticket, if any, and put it all back into the baggie.

At this point, the check-in clerk stamps your inner elbow with your ticket and seat numbers in ink that will wash off after half a dozen washings or so…just in case your flight is delayed and you need to wash up to your elbow or take a shower or two.

• Next, you proceed to changing booths. Inside each booth is a selection of hospital gowns and hospital paper slippers. You choose ones that fit. Warning to men: put them on with the opening in the back, please, or you’ll risk a flight diversion like the guy this week on US Airways.
• Then you put your clothing and shoes into a plastic bag provided for the purpose -- whether you fold neatly or cram is up to you -- and write on the tag the number on your arm. You shove the bag through a hole in the back of the booth, an attendant collects it, and it is sent to baggage along with your luggage for pickup at your destination.

Right. You’re worried that, airlines being what they are, you could end up in Timbuktu without even the clothes on your back, and no luggage either. I realize this is a serious problem with the plan, depending on airline, and I’m willing to consider all possibilities to circumvent it. For example, some people even now are shipping their “luggage” ahead to their destination to avoid baggage charges and to be sure they actually have some clothing when they arrive. It seems UPS and FedEx lose parcels a lot less often than airlines lose luggage. Amazing, really, considering the relative volume and the fact that your luggage is supposedly traveling accompanied, whereas a parcel shipment is picked up, moved wherever, and delivered without your accompanying it. Still, I suppose it could happen that the airline loses the plastic bag with your clothing and the delivery company misplaces your shipment. Still…

And then there’s the hair to deal with.

• If your hair is short, when you come out, an attendant will comb it with a disposable comb to be sure no contraband is taped under it to your scalp. He or she will also look into your ears.
• If your hair is long, you will be escorted to a sink where your head will be dunked to ensure no contraband is lurking under your locks. Then you’ll walk through European-style high-velocity dryers, and off you go.

Simple. All you’ve got is a clear plastic baggie with your wallet/passport/ticket in it, and you’re wearing a hospital gown. It would, of course, be incumbent on the airlines to load sufficient blankets for the number of passengers aboard. And they might want to serve beverages in sealed containers with straws; a major spill could be quite revealing during dinner service. (Or, of course, they could stash extra gowns just in case.)

For the airlines, this would open up more space; no carry-ons in overhead bins. No coats. Possibly they could make some aircraft into double-deckers even; I don’t know, not being an aeronautics engineer. But it’s worth asking.

For the passengers, it eliminates a good deal of the hassle of travel. How many of us have encountered one or more rude or hostile or incompetent airport check-in employees and government flunkies (or leased flunkies) checking our documentation or person? I daresay, all of us.

Actually, the government and/or leased flunkies did get a bit better to deal with after Mr. Obama was elected. Even before he took office, on a Christmas trip to England, the attitude of the government people had changed dramatically. I even got a smile from one of them! And for the first time in three years, I didn’t get wanded.

It may be, though, that the Fly Naked program will diminish the need for so many watchful eyes, and that’s a shame, considering it promises to be a sort of fun job. Someone’s going to pop out of those gowns sometime. And think of the joy some goons would get from seeing a hippie’s hair all wet and stringy before he or she walked through the blow-dryer. This does present another problem, or a voyeurism opportunity, depending on how one looks at it. The passenger might have all he or she can do to hold that gown closed in the wind tunnel; the government men (and women) might be tempted to turn it up really high to get the odd peek.

No system is perfect, but I think this one has much to recommend it. Streamlined check-in. Limited opportunities for harassment by government functionaries. No messy clothing at arrival. No athlete’s foot, because you won’t have to walk around slimy airport terrazzo after god-knows-who with god-knows-what growing on their feet.

A thought: it might be necessary for the airlines to provide each seat with a disposable paper cover, to be removed after each passenger “deplanes” (I still want to know what’s the matter with using the standard term, disembark.) Otherwise, we might be catching god-knows-what that might be infecting other parts of other passengers besides their feet.

Still…it seems a workable solution to me. It might not totally eliminate the odd freaked out dingbat from taking off the paper gown and leaving it off, of course. But it would eliminate any more shoe bombers. But more importantly, I wouldn’t have to live in fear of another bout of athlete’s foot.