The lighter side of... atheism?

Hey! Who says atheists are a humorless bunch? Here, from a variety of sources, are a bunch of jokes by or about atheists. Let's start with...

 

I went to an atheist's funeral the other day. Poor fellow, all dressed up and no place to go.

 

Q: What's a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

A: Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is or is not a dog...

 

 

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as
fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the
bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe
at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God...";
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord,bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly
thankful. Amen."

 

Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! They have torches!

 

Did you hear about the creationist coyote? It chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap!

 

 

Pat Robertson was walking along the street one day when he came across a little boy with a box of kittens. Pat peered into the box, and said, "Son, those are the cutest little kitties I have ever seen. What kind are they?"

"These are Christian kittens," the little boy replied.

Pat chuckled and went on his way.

A week later, he found himself on the same street, this time chatting up Ann Coulter, when he saw the same little boy with the same box of kittens. Hoping to score some points with her, he said, "Ann, go ask that little boy what kind of kittens those are."

She did, and the boy replied, "These are atheist kittens."

Ann looked shocked, and looked back at Pat. Pat asked the boy, "What do you mean, atheist kittens? Last week you told me these kittens were Christian!"

"They were," replied the boy. "But then their eyes opened."

 

During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a rationalist skeptic. The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."