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What the crew really thinks about actors
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Actor jokes are so FUNNY!
Enough seriousity already.
I'm taking a short break between high-minded, well researched articles to post a short series of humorous ones. What the heck; I just think it's time.
If you're an actor you've probably heard many of these before and may smile grimly at them, but if you're not, you might actually chuckle. I like 'em because they remind me to laugh at myself now and again.
Why, you ask? For an actor, laughing at yourself can be a nice change of pace. Amid the fear, the insecurity, the intensity and the exhausting dedication to excellence (did I mention the insecurity?) it helps, sometimes, to kick back and realize that a lot of us come off, at one time or another, as self-involved dingbats. Especially (again, if you're an actor, you've been there and seen this) to the backstage "techie" crowd. Here are a few typically hilarious anti-actor contributions from that worthy sector:
An actor without techies is a naked person standing in the dark trying to emote. A techie without actors is a person with marketable skills.
-- Courtesy of KZettelII@aol.com
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those actors I had to kill because they really ... um, made me mad (insert more rhythmic off-color term here).
-- Courtesy of cudy@ix.netcom.com, Original author unknown
Eight things you will never hear an actor say:
1. Let's not talk about me.
2. I really think my big scene should be cut.
3. This costume is so comfortable.
4. I love my shoes.
5. No problem - I can do that for myself.
6. I have a fantastic agent.
7. I have no prospects of work for the forseeable future.
8. Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
Found on: OnStage!
This next one takes a swipe at almost everyone.
Theatrical job skills (as defined by a stage manager):
The Producer:
Leaps Tall Buildings in a Single Bound
Is More Powerful than a Locomotive
Is Faster than a Speeding Bullet
Walks on Water
Gives Policy to God
The Director:
Leaps Short Buildings in a Single Bound
Is More Powerful than a Switch Engine
Is Just as Fast as a Speeding Bullet
Walks on Water if the Sea is Calm
Talks with God
The Playwright:
Leaps Short Buildings with a Running Start
Is Almost as Powerful as a Switch Engine
Is Faster than a Speeding BB
Swims Well
Is Occasionally Addressed by God
The Actor:
Makes Marks on the Wall when Trying to Leap Buildings
Is Run Over by Locomotives
Can Sometimes Handle a Gun without Inflicting Self-Injury
Dog Paddles
Talks to Animals
The Technician:
Runs Directly into Buildings
Recognizes Locomotives Two out of Three Times
Is Not Issued Ammunition
Can Stay Afloat with a Life Preserver
Talks to Walls
The Stage Manager:
Lifts Buildings and Walks under Them
Kicks Locomotives off the Track
Catches Speeding Bullets in Teeth and Eats Them
Freezes Water with a Single Glance
Is GOD
-- Courtesy of Dave Jensen <djensen@claven.idbsu.edu>
Two Actor Light Bulb Jokes:
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.... if he can find it.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; the actor holds the lightbulb, and the world revolves around the actor.
-- Courtesy of Andy Kelk (ics5ajk@leeds.ac.uk
And finally, here's a (somewhat) humorous "safety" notice posted backstage for the crew:
Please be aware that the following clean-up fees are in place and will be STRICTLY ENFORCED:
Killing or maiming an actor: $10
Killing or maiming a dancer: $20
Killing or maiming a stagehand: $50 (to cover disinfection of the stage area)
Killing or maiming pit musicians: NO CHARGE
An additional $10 is charged if the House has to dispose of the body (an extra surcharge of $1 per degree is added if the temperature is over 100 degrees, minimum $10 charge)
In cases where the injured party is at fault, the fine will be assessed to their estate. Fines are assessed per incident. Group rates are available.
Your attention to safety is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your cooperation.
-- courtesy of Ken Lager <klager@pipeline.com
Most of these jokes were found on the website Porkchop Onstage, which gladly accepts contributions.
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