Shyness in early childhood

November 18, 10:05 AMCincinnati Early Childhood Parenting ExaminerApril Sluder

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I knew from the time my daughter was a newborn that there was something a little different about her.  As a newborn baby, she was very sensitive to new people and surroundings.  Most newborns are passed around to lots of family and friends during the first few weeks of life. My daughter would scream, scream, and then scream more when anyone other than her father or I would hold her. We couldn't take anyone up on the offers for babysitting, because she would scream the entire time.

As she grew, she continued to show this anxiety around new people and places.  If we were out somewhere and someone tried to talk to her, she would cry.  Family gatherings were anxiety provoking as well.  All of the people and noise bothered her.  I would have to tell people to not look at her or try to speak to her, because if they did she would cry. I have a very loud grandfather. He couldn't help himself and would at some point get in her face.  She cried everytime.

Fast forward a few years.  She will be turning 5 years old next week, and has made great strides in her anxiety and shyness.  She no longer cries just because an unfamiliar face speaks or looks at her.  She loves to tell people about her pets and the latest happenings in her life.  She still needs a little time to warm up to new situations, but is able to do so with less anxiety. 

There are a few things that worked for us when dealing with her anxiety and shyness.

• As  parents, we tend to want to protect and shelter our children when they are upset.  You should continue to involve your child in new and unfamiliar activities.  We continued to go to various gatherings of friends and family.  We would talk to our daughter beforehand and prepare her.  It would be easy to just skip it, but it's important to work on those anxious feelings your child has in those situations.  You shouldn't try to force your child to be a social butterfly and speak to everyone in the room.  My goal was only to help her feel more comfortable in the group.

• Self-esteem can be an issue with shy children.  We got our daughter involved in dance when she turned 3 years old.  This has a couple of benefits.  She meets new children and teachers every year and develops a sense a pride in her increasing dance skills.  They also have a recital every year, and you can just see how good she feels about herself when she's on the stage in front of hundreds of people.  She just began piano lessons this month, which has these benefits as well. The point is to get her involved in activities and help her feel good about herself. 

• Lots of love and affection are always important.  It's easy to get frustrated, but it's important to give plenty of hugs and kisses and keep your own anxiety in check.

• Keep an open dialogue with teachers.  It's always interesting to find out what's happening at school.  Although she's very chatty and assertive at home, that's not her at school.  She has friends and she plays, but she tends to be very quiet, according to her teacher.  They are encouraging her to speak up when she needs help and to assert herself with other children.

I'm convinced that my daughter's shyness is genetic.  My husband was very shy as a child and tends to be uncomfortable in new social situations. He has a teenage niece that was very shy as a young child as well.  No matter what the reason, it is our job as her parents to help her deal with her shyness and grow up to be a confident, productive adult.