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How much help is too much help?
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When a child with a disability struggles, it is natural for us to want to step in and provide assistance. However if we do too much, the child never learns to fend for herself and will be more dependent in the future. It is difficult to find a balance between too much and too little.
When the Peoria Center for the Performing Arts opened in 2007, one of the first plays they staged was "The Miracle Worker", the story of Helen Keller. I've seen two of the three movie versions of the story, but now that there was a vision and hearing impaired girl in my life the story was more relevant. I was fascinated by how similar the issues we face are a century later.
One bone of contention between Helen Keller's parents and her teacher, Annie Sullivan, was how much help to offer. Her parents felt it was cruel for Helen to struggle, while Sullivan insisted it was the only way for her to grow as a person. In the end, Sullivan achieved breakthroughs that would never have been achieved if Helen had been catered to the rest of her life.
We face similar problems with Maria every day. We have a running joke in the family about Maria's bottle. Maria has always had trouble holding her bottle and we would often end up helping hold it as she drank. The therapists would chide us gently, telling us we had to let her work it out for herself. We agreed completely, and as we were agreeing we often reached out to help Maria with her bottle.
It's hard to see someone in difficulty, and when that person has special needs it's even harder. We have an instinct that people with disabilities shouldn't have to labor, and yet the struggle makes them stronger. For me a major turning point was when I realized that, although I got frustrated watching her juggle her bottle clumsily, it didn't seem to bother her at all.
We are still far from perfect about this and help her more than she should. Sometimes Maria will push us away as she tries to do it herself. Other times she blatantly manipulates us to doing things for her. Although we try to strike a balance, sometimes we give in. After all, sometimes we all need someone to hold our bottle for us.
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