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Surviving the holidays after losing a loved one
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The holidays are supposed to be a joyous time of year, but for those of us who have recently lost a loved one, finding a way to muster up that holiday spirit can be tough. For the first 3 years after my mom died I would wake up on Christmas, cry and then try and get on with the day. It was especially hard since my little brothers were still kids and I felt like I had to do what I could to try to make Christmas “better” for them.
My mom always went all out for Christmas. She would get out her nativity scene, decorate the house and trees and then do whatever it took to make sure we all had several great gifts under the tree. Sometimes that meant maxing out her credit card, which at the time I thought was completely irresponsible. But now, in hindsight, I see that it wasn’t irresponsible it was just living in the moment. She passed away unexpectedly at 49 and I’m glad she racked up those credit card bills for the chance to see excited and smiling little faces on Christmas morning. Maybe she knew her time was limited. The first Christmas was especially difficult as I struggled to somehow honor her in the holiday festivities. I set up a table near the dinner table with a nice picture of her, some flowers and candles. Truthfully, I hardly remember the day as I was so busy “just trying to get through it.” For me, it has helped through the years to pull out some of my mom’s Christmas ornaments and put them on my tree, to put a picture up near our dinner table of her so I could make her a part of it and to enjoy my own kids opening gifts the way she would want me to. I also think of my grandma who lost 5 sons, but never once neglected to put up the Christmas tree and host her annual Christmas Eve dinner. I asked her how she could possibly go on after losing 5 of her own children. She said "I try not to think too much about it. There is nothing I can do about it except hope they are all with each other and get on with each day."
For many, the loss of the loved one will be very fresh this holiday season. My heart aches for anyone going through this difficult time as I know how miserable it can be. I truly believe our loved ones are now our angels and that they are in a better place. It helps me to deal with the loss of both my parents and most recently my grandmother and the many other loved ones I’ve lost along the way. I know they wouldn’t want me depressed and unhappy, they would want me to make the most of my life here on earth and cherish the friends and family we have here with us now. There are many support groups to help you get through this difficult time, reach out to them if you need to, people who have gone through the pain of losing someone close to their heart will know what you’re going through. And if you just can’t seem to be “happy” this holiday season, give yourself a break, it takes a long time for our hearts to mend and for us to feel “normal,” again. Whatever you feel you need to do is the right thing, trust your heart. Here is an article I found with “Ten Tips for Coping with grief and loss during the holidays. Good luck.
1. Take care of yourself
You are of little value to your family and friends if you are not well rested and taking care of yourself first and foremost.
2. Find a way to acknowledge the person you have lost
Rather than avoiding the feelings, find a way to remember and acknowledge the person that is meaningful and positive.
3. Incorporate memories or stories about the person into your family traditions.
Remember your friend or family member's role in holiday traditions and share those memories.
4. Find new traditions that honor those who are no longer here. Consider incorporating a new tradition such as a special decoration or moment of reflection in memory of the person who has died.
5. Plan ahead
Think ahead about what events will be especially emotional for you this holiday season and evaluate what will best ease that pain whether it be surrounding yourself with family or excusing yourself for a private moment.
6. Take one day at a time
Focus on today and the experience at hand.
7. Don't be afraid to make changes
Sometimes old traditions or routines can be too painful without important people present. Try something new this holiday season. Consider going somewhere different or changing your traditional holiday menu.
8. Do what you can
Do only what is special and meaningful to you this year. Be brave enough to say no, and be realistic enough to cancel plans when you change your mind.
9. Ask for help
Ask for and accept offers of concrete assistance with holiday
chores like decorating, shopping, cooking or cleaning. Look for
ways to involve other people in your holiday planning.
10.Speak to someone outside the family – support groups, grieving groups, counselors.
