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What a news day yesterday!!! Shaq is traded to the Cavs. Farrah Fawcett, the woman that haunted me through the very twisted days of my adolescence dies and then has her death upstaged by Michael Jackson, who dropped dead of a heart attack right before he started a tour that he didn’t want to do.
I don’t know what Jocko’s family medical history is, but I do know that by looking at the way that he was built and the way that he danced, that that is one guy that wasn’t really a candidate for a cardiac arrest at fifty years old.
My fat ass is a candidate for a heart attack at fifty. Ralphie May is a candidate for a heart attack at fifty. Meatloaf is a heart attack waiting to happen. Jocko…not so much.
Just a thought.
Add to Farrah, Jocko and Shaq, the NBA draft was last night. My wife calls the NBA draft the annual ugly fashion parade for men.
So, this is yet another running log of my thoughts and impressions of what I saw on television last night as I flipped back and forth between FOX News and ESPN in an effort to follow all of the coverage of the draft and of Jackson’s death.
ESPN-Dammit, I missed the first three picks. I wanted to see what Blake Griffin’s face looked like when El Sterno announced that Mike Dunleavy, the coach of the Clippers was going to have the opportunity to misuse him, (Griffin), for the next few seasons. Oh well, we’ll get to see Griffin’s reactions to Dunleavy’s “unique” coaching style for the next three or four years.
-Tyreke Evans, out of Memphis tells us how happy he is to be going to Sacramento to play for the Maloofs. I think that they, (the Maloofs) plan to pay him in complimentary chips from The Palms and make him wager each check on one spin of the roulette wheel. They’ll threaten to turn evidence on him regarding the drive by that he was never charged in.
-The T-Wolves who have four picks in this draft pick Ricky Rubio from Spain, or maybe it’s Noah Wylie. It could be Scott Baio. I haven’t heard too much about Ricky, because I don’t pay too much attention to Spanish sports, but he is one of the most talked about players in this draft. They are already making Pete Maravich comparisons regarding his passing ability.
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Ricky Rubio
-The T-Wolves select Jonny Flynn out of Syracuse with the next pick. That’s two point guards in a row. Is Minnesota trying to corner the market on point guards Randolph and Mortimer Duke style??? Why two point guards??? Which one is going to handle the ball??? Who’s going to shoot??? Who’s going to D up on the shooting guards of this world???
-My wife just walked in and told me that Michael Jackson has died of a heart attack. I immediately go into smart ass mode and ask questions like: What race goes on his death certificate??? I am ready to switch to FOX News when….
-The Warriors pick Stephen Curry out of Davidson. I think that this is an outstanding selection. This kid isn’t very fast. He isn’t very tall. All that this guy has is a knack for the game. That and a deadly three point range jumper. I do wonder how he and Monta Ellis are going to play together. It seems like a set of mismatched guards to me. I also wonder what the Knicks are doing right now.
FOX-As I tune in, Uri Geller, who was the late Jocko’s psychic, (apparently Mike was strange to the very end), is telling us how he used to yell at Michael for certain things and that it hurt Michael, because Michael wasn’t used to people yelling at him regarding his behavior. Is this some sort of revelation??? What were you yelling at him about Uri??? I have a few ideas, but I’ll omit them.
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The faces of Michael Jackson
-Uri is still spouting. Wait a minute. Uri is telling us that he did something very unethical. Uri relates that once, while he had Michael under hypnosis, that he asked Michael about whether or not he had had inappropriate contact with the kids that have accused him of molestation. Supposedly, Michael’s response was that he would never do such a thing to a child. Why didn’t anyone think to put Geller on the stand during Michael’s trial to relate this episode??? This could have cleared everything up, once and for all. After all, who could question the credibility of Michael Jackson’s psychic???
Who wouldn't believe this guy???
-My next thought is that I haven’t seen or heard anything about Farrah’s death for a while.
-After Uri Geller gets done babbling, FOX switches to what I assume is some sort of entertainment reporter. I didn’t catch the name, but it is a large asexual person with short black hair and what looks like a black pin stripe 1930’s gangster suit with a blood red tie. I seriously cannot tell if this is man or a woman, I decide to call this person Gangstandrogyny.
-Gangstandrogyny is telling us about how Michael was the original. There were many that copied him, but he was the first. This sets me to wondering about who copied Michael Jackson. I mean, yes, he was a talented entertainer, but the guy was uber bizarre from the word go. Who would want to copy him???
My wife, Jan and daughter Nikki attempt clear this up for me by giving me a laundry list of entertainers that Mike influenced. Among others, Jocko influenced Usher, Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Kanye West, Neyo, Sierra and Chris Brown….that’s right Chris Brown, the guy who allegedly slapped Rihanna, (who was, according to Nikki, also influenced by Jocko), around.
I come up with Eddie Griffin and Eddie Murphy…there are two guys that Mike influenced. Both had great comedy bits about Mike.
I still haven't found anyone that 'copied' him.
Gangstandrogygny further informs us of the state Mike’s finances and the part that they played in his upcoming tour. I have to go back to ESPN. I can’t watch Gangstandrogyny anymore. She / he is giving me a headache.
ESPN-I’m back just in time to hear Demar Derozan talking about his “physicality”. Thankfully, ESPN cuts to commercial before Demar can tell us about his own length and upside. I also see that the Knicks have taken Jordan Hill…..HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…the Knicks can’t do anything right these days.
FOX-Now they have Arthel Neville, from New Orleans on the phone. I wish that they had her on camera. Arthel is smoking hot. How can they put Gangstandrogygny on and not put on Arthel??? In any case, Arthel tells us that her walls were covered in Michael Jackson shit when she was a kid. Did Arthel just say shit on the air??? Nice.
Arthel Neville...Nice.
-FOX is now showing us old Jackson’s footage from the 80’s…can anyone tell me why they kept giving Tito that guitar??? It wasn’t ever plugged in to an amp. My wife informs me that it is because Tito can’t sing. If he can’t sing and the guitar was never plugged in….why the hell was Tito there to begin with???
-A talking head that is telling us that AEG held the insurance policy on the upcoming “King of Pop” tour and that Michael had passed the required physical with flying colors. Interesting, but why, unless you are warming up to a conspiracy theory, do you have to tell us about this at all???
-Look….. another talking head that tells us that Michael was so influential that you could go to any club in Manhattan tonight and hear a Michael Jackson song. He, (the talking head) is absolutely right on this. On the day that Michael Jackson died, I imagine that you could go to just about any club and they would be playing Michael Jackson songs.
On the other hand, Michael hasn’t really been relevant for the past twenty years. Yesterday, I don’t think that you would have heard a Jocko song in any club that wasn’t called “Memory Lane” or “Golden Oldies” or “Remember When”.
ESPN-The Bobcats pick up Duke’s Gerald Henderson with the 12th pick. Is this the son of the Gerald Henderson that played for the Celts in the 80’s???
-ESPN just flashed the list of best available players to the Pacers and Tyler Hansbrough’s name is on top of the list. How has the NCAA player of the year for 2008 fallen to this point in the draft??? Could it be that the hyperbole machine made a bit too much of this guy while he was in college??? The best thing that I can say about Hansbrough is at least he finished four years of college…..and he’ll be a decent bench player. Don't expect too much more out of him.
-Jay Bilas is now telling us how Indiana needs a defensive stopper….and there it is…..Indiana takes Hansbrough, while the crowd yells “Over-Rated”. I hope that Larry Bird knows what he’s doing.
Tyler Hansbrough does his Rip Hamilton impersonation
-They just showed Gerald Henderson’s father…and yes, it was the Celtics player from the 80’s.
-What in the world is David Stern doing behind that façade between draft picks??? My guess is that he is calling each team to tell them who to take…..And why do they have to introduce him before each pick is announced??? Do they really think that we might have forgotten who he is???
-The Suns pick up Earl Clark out of Louisville. We are informed of the great “wing span” that Clark has. That’s the first time tonight that I’ve heard wing span. I guess that I need to listen to the buzz words a bit more carefully.
-Brandon Jennings, who was taken by the Bucks with the tenth pick, shows up…four rounds late. That’s OK, Earl Clark isn’t there anyway. I hope that this isn’t a glimpse into what the future holds for Milwaukee and this kid. The Bucks need some help….desperately.
FOX-Showing a “crowd” that is gathering outside of the hospital where Jocko died. More people tell me that I’m an idiot every day than are in that crowd.
ESPN- The Bulls take James Johnson out of Wake Forest. This is the first time that I’ve heard “upside” tonight.
-Suns GM Steve Kerr is on camera talking about the Shaq trade. The reason behind the Shaq trade is that the Suns brain trust decided that they can’t win right now, so they are "in transition" and need to clear up some cap space. This sounds plausible to me. I was wondering when Shaq was going to be moved. I also can’t help wondering why Steve Kerr still reminds me of Neil Patrick Harris. The guy has to be soemwhere between 45 and 50 years old.
I wonder if Shaq orchestrated the Cavs trade. I’m thinking that this is his way of getting five rings before Kobe does.
FOX-Geraldo Rivera is now on. He immediately reminds us that Bubbles the chimp was Michael Jackson’s best buddy.
ESPN-The Pistons take Austin Daye from Gonzaga. Apparently this guy has great “length”. I hope so, because the guy definitely has no “breadth”. See, I’m picking up on the buzz words now.
Austin Daye could use a few Big Macs
FOX-Jermaine Jackson is giving a press conference. I am respecting my wife on this one. No further comments.
ESPN-The T-wolves just took Ty Lawson…that’s the third point guard that they’ve taken. Are they trying to take the slash and kick offense to a new level??? Is there anything else that the T-wolves need???
-OK, that pick got cleared up…Lawson is going to Denver for future considerations. Lawson should do well sitting behind Chauncey Billups for a couple of years. I like this for the Nuggets.
-Patrick Chewing??? Someone at the ad agency that handles the Snickers account is going to be looking for work soon.
-I still say that the best ad campaign that I’ve seen in a very long while is the Dos Equis “Most Interesting man in the World” campaign. He can speak French…in Russian. That crap cracks me up.
-The Trail Blazers are on the clock……I can’t watch it anymore. They might try to take Greg Oden again.
-The Kings are up and they take Omri Casspi…..who the hell is Omri Casspi???? He’s from Israel??? Don’t even get me started on this one. There’s no way that this guy is playing for casino chips.
That’s it. After the Casspi pick, I decided that the rest of this draft is going to be irrelevant.
I decided after the Jermaine Jackson press conference that the Jackson coverage was irrelevant.
I spoke to soon about irrelevancy in the draft…Darko Milicic just got traded from Memphis to the Knicks for Quentin Richardson. I love the Knicks. They never let me down.
I am putting another “responses to your comments article together, so keep the comments coming. I’m sure that those of you who disagree with me about the Knicks, Tyler Hansbrough and Michael Jackson are going to have a field day.
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