What is with hags and their gays?

August 18, 9:48 PMNY Dating ExaminerLindsay Gebhart

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I have two boyfriends. Three if you count my long distance relationship. There is Jay, Andrew, and Jason. And oh -- the last two are gay.

Let's be clear: I am not the one who refers to the gays as my "boyfriend;" they usually assign themselves that title. Or, as Jason used to refer himself, my "gay husband."

My actual boyfriend, the straight one, is not a fan of all of this. Neither, apparently, is Thomas Rogers, the author of the column, "Ladies: I'm not your gay boyfriend," with the subtitle, "Are the ties that bind gay men to straight women beginning to fray?"

Why don't you just punch me in the face Thomas Rogers? Basically, what he is saying is that the gays are no longer the play things of single women. Gay men have branched out! They are now also friends with straight guys. And people who don't sing their cats to sleep.

In all seriousness, Rogers says that straight women need to be on the edges of society to truly be a supportive "f*g hag." He also points out that not all gays are like the prancing, limp-wristed fashionistas often shown in popular culture. I understand where he is coming from -- no one likes to live in a world of stereotypes, especially not a hag like myself.

Let's go over some stereotypes:

• Hags are fat, loud and single. False. True. False. Some hags are overweight and/or single, but certainly not all. However, the loud part is usually right on. You have to yell to get heard over the sass.
• Hags travel in packs. True. Usually there is a hag pack that hangs out with a group of gay men. We usually just call ourselves friends, although perhaps a new word should be invented.
• Hags and their gays form fake heterosexual relationships like what is seen on Will & Grace. Overwhelmingly false. What you saw on Will & Grace is a case of codependency, not a typical gay guy/hag living situation. True, some friendships are copendent, but not because one person is gay and the other is straight. I don't cuddle/share a bed with/kiss my gays because that is weird, gross, and just generally inappropriate. 
• Hags are judgemental and catty. (Sigh) I can't lie -- this is often the case true. I give hags a 60 percent chance of cattiness with a high chance of snark.

Sometimes I ask myself: How did this happen? Why am I friends with so many gay men? True, I never felt like I fit in, and I like a lot of cult movies and figures. I also like reading, shiny outfits, and dancing. I am also really liberal and like big cities. All of this makes me an excellent canidate, but it all boils down to this: I just like hanging out with men when there is no sexual tension.

Perhaps the real questions are, "How do my gay relationships affect my straight one?" and "Is it beneficial for gay men to have hags in their lives?"

The answer to the first question is that there is always a little tension between a woman's boyfriend and her best friend. Perhaps the fact that my closest friend is gay makes my boyfriend feel awkward because he isn't the only man close to me? I can't do much about this, other than assure my boyfriend that he is the most important man in my life. The best gay I mention, Andrew, is a wonderful person, and he and I share a lot of interests that my boyfriend doesn't have. However, Andrew will never be a replacement for a boyfriend in my life.

As for my second question, of course it is. Perhaps the term "f*g hag" is an ugly term for "female friend of gay men" but it describes a certain kind of relationship. I think that when any gender group choses to isolate itself, the consequences are negative.

At the end of his article Rogers states that, "More and more, the f*g hag is becoming a relic of another era." I have to disagree. Perhaps the term "f*g hag" is going out of style, but there is a special bond that gay men and women of all sexual identities share that straight men will never understand. Perhaps that bond is made out of the lyrics of female singer songwriters -- we will never know for sure.

One can only hope that when scientists finish understanding the human genome, after they find the gay gene, there will be another, similar gene in women. Here's an idea of how to find these twin genes: They look like a karaoke stage.

Love me? Hate me? Contact me at lagebhart@gmail.com.