RSS
Home
What not to buy your special lady friend
Print
Email
RSS
Subscribe
I used to like him - then he bought me a vibrator.
True story. This guy I had been dating for only one month bought me a vibrator for my birthday, and I was so horrified I put it back in the gift bag, glared at him for a while, then left and quit speaking to him. The weird part: He had no idea why I was offended.
Buying gifts for lady lovers seems hard to a lot of straight men and lesbians I know. Add in the stress of the holiday season, the fact she will never forgot what you bought her and the eviscerated economy, and you are certain to have a meltdown. Here is the secret: Women care more about the thought and effort you put into a gift than the actual gift. (Exceptions being gold diggers, but they aren't worth dating anyways.)
For example, the best gift I ever received was from a college boyfriend who gave me a journal (since I am a writer, obvi) which was nice as it was, but when I opened it I saw he had cut out the pages in the shape of a heart and put a bracelet inside. Even more amazing is that he had managed to pick out a bracelet I really liked, which is hard because I have rather unique/spastic taste. So:
1) He added a personal touch.
2) He was creative.
3) He paid enough attention to pick out something good.
That may seem like a tall order, but it is much easier to point out really bad gift ideas. During the holiday season, the worst two things you can do is make the lady in your life feel either unspecial or like a whore. So, without further ado ...
* Flowers. There is no way to be less creative than to buy someone a bouquet of flowers. Your gift will be seen as considerate, but so is Grandma. And no one wants to bang her, either. Only give flowers if you are also giving her something else - like something cool hidden inside the flowers, such as jewelry. Or a pile of money!
* Anything living. Don't ever give anyone a dog, hamster, even a plant without her permission. I say this as a plant serial killer. Whenever someone gives me a plant, I just sigh, knowing the plant's life will soon end in a puddle of water and dying leaves. If your special lady friend says she likes puppies and kitties don't take that as an invitation to buy one; 99 percent percent of women like baby animals - that doesn't mean they have any interest in caring for one.
* Any gift advertised in a male magazine. This includes pajama-grams (aka the worst, most overpriced gift ever - don't even think about it) and necklaces that say things like, "Yours forever." Do not buy anything advertised in magazines; they are over-priced and of low quality, and they were stuck there to seduce suckers.
* Sex toys. I have noticed a growing trend where people think it acceptable to buy a sex toy for someone they barely know. You need to know someone for at least six months or have a confirmed relationship status before you buy a woman an object to insert in her body.
Sex toys can be seen as an incredibly offensive gift to women. Buying someone you barely know a sex toy completely objectifies them. It basically says, "I only value you as a thing to have sex with. Merry Christmas, whore. Obviously you won't be meeting my parents. Ever."
Even if you are dating someone who embraces her inner slut, just giving her a sex toy is a lot like giving someone lingerie: It is nearly impossible to really personalize it and therefore, it makes you look lazy and obviously more than a little selfish.
However, if you want to give it as a bonus gift, go for it. Just make sure the main gift is pretty special and much more expensive. No one wants a $15 book and a $70 vibrator.
* Lingerie. Like flowers and sex toys, lingerie is a somewhat lazy gift. Obviously you didn't pop over at a corner store on your way over to pick it up, but it doesn't take any thought to come up with it. It is also a half gift at best (since you will probably enjoy it more than your special lady friend). And don't be fooled into thinking that tasteful lingerie is OK - it is what it is.
Also, if you haven't seen the recipient naked yet it is completely inappropriate and totally creepy. Unless you are buying it for your honeymoon, but I doubt any virgins are reading this, anyways.
* Something your mother picked out. Oh God, we have all been there. Never give an adult woman something your mother picked out or told you to buy. Your mother is from an entirely different generation than ours, and her advice is probably antiquated. I can just imagine my mother telling me to "buy a CD" for the person I am dating, which, buy the way...
* A CD. What are you, 14? Buy a real gift.
* A tattoo of her name
I think you can see where I am going. Stay tuned for an article telling you how to find awesome presents for your honey.
