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How often is normal?
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I am sure most of you, Loyal Readers, often wonder where I get my article inspirations. Sure, there’s the occasional emailed romance study, or encouraging my friends to call and put themselves on speaker phone right before they get into a fight/have sex with their boyfriend, but most of my inspiration comes from what I am experiencing in my relationship.
And right now my boyfriend is insisting we don’t have enough sex. You’re surprised, I know. You see my picture and wonder how anyone of my beauty and obvious passion could not be having enough sex. You are right. We are having enough sex. In my opinion.
After my boyfriend told me we weren’t having enough sex, I was determined to get back at him. I was going to sex him every chance I got. Have five minutes before we’re going somewhere? Surprise sex! Like Star Trek? Sexy Star Trek lingerie sex! I would sex him so much he wouldn’t be able to keep up with me, and beg me to stop. Yes, I’d show him.
This plan hit a few bumps as soon as I googled “Star Trek lingerie” online. (If there is such a thing, it is hidden by all the “Star Trek fetish” blogs. Sigh.) Then there was the problem of actually having the copious amounts of copulation. I mean, I’m not going to lie. I’m…how do I say it….lazy. I could shave my legs and have sex twice a day, or I could lay on the couch and watch endless episodes of Law and Order while masturbating (don’t judge me, they have Jeff Goldblum now).
Don’t get me wrong. If I’m not having sex, at all, I go a little crazy. I subscribe to the “use it or lose it” policy and I do not want to lose my vagina. But if I’m in a relationship and having sex regularly, and know I can get it regularly, I’m pretty much fine. The idea of sexing my boyfriend until he sobbed and begged me to stop was attractive in theory, but I lacked the drive to put it into play. I’m vindictive, but not THAT vindictive. And to repeat, in my opinion, we are having enough sex.
But I have never let my opinion keep me from getting swayed by statistics, right? And I started to wonder, what is a normal amount? What is enough sex? When are people happy with their sex life?
To find out, I asked everyone I knew. This may not seem like a scientific study, but I guarantee you people are less likely to lie if I have known them for years, am asking them, and after they answer am goading them with a “Come on, are you sure?” (That’s when people really tell the truth). Also, I should mention I have a wide variety of friends, so I felt my survey was also fairly diverse. However, I did only ask people who were in an actual relationship. I also asked them how long they had been with their partner.
The most interesting thing about this survey was that when I asked, people wanted to know all sorts of other things too. “Oh, good question. Liz, can you ask people about foreplay? How long does that last? What is normal foreplay?”
I could-- but it’s kind of awkward because I am just randomly asking texting or instant messaging anyone I know who is in a relationship. So I can’t go back now and make it even more awkward to ask about foreplay, and oral, and cuddling, and how long a person is supposed to last. You have to do these things in person, because I’m pretty sure after three or four sex questions, the unknown participants would delete me out of their phone. Or touch themselves.
The second most interesting thing to me was that the amount of sex didn’t seem to decline as the relationship went on. It pretty much stayed the same as how the relationship had started. For example, if a couple has sex in some form or another at least twice a day (yes, this was actually a response and I believe it. You’d have to know them), they will continue to do so after 5 years. On the other hand, if a relationship was built from not having sex that much, your answer may be “I have had sex once in three years. We live with her mother.”
That’s good news though. Granted, the amount of sex depends on you and your partner’s mutual libido, but it seems that once that’s in sync, things stay the same. ***
Now, for the big question: How often is normal? (Note: I realize on Oprah and in magazines, they like to assure you that there are so many variations, that almost anything you do is normal and you are ok. And let's all hug. I am perfectly comfortable, however, finding out how frequently most people have sex, and call that "normal.")
Most people told me 3-4 times per week. Upon further questioning, we mutually realized that the sex was actually happening 2 times per week, on average, with three being a good week. This seemed to be the same with couples that lived together and didn’t, and those that had kids. And yes, the overall results did range from once every 1,095 days to an average of once every 12 hours, but I threw out the extremes. My friend told me that is an "outlier", and it sounds very scientific.
So…am I normal? My boyfriend complained on Wednesday. In the past week, we had “had relations” as he calls it, four times. And I feel publishing this information publicly is a much more satisfying way of getting back at him than actually having sex with him all the time. Ah, sweet revenge.
***I did not query people who were in a troubled relationship or pregnant. And if you know me and I didn’t ask about your sex life, that doesn’t mean I think you’re in a troubled relationship. It means I think you’re pregnant. Kidding. It probably meant I didn’t think you would appreciate a random Facebook message asking about your sex life. Also, by “troubled relationship” I mean fighting a lot, or I think you’re partner is a douche and therefore doesn’t count.
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