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How do you treat your Ex?
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The Ex You'd Sex. Photo by Tina Phillips
My ex boyfriend invited me over to his house this weekend. No, not like that, we have dinner or go to each other’s house from time to time, for barbeques or parties. He tends to show up especially when he thinks I will have younger, single girls over (this is not a joke).
But I got to thinking, I don’t hang out with any other Ex’s. Other Ex’s don’t call me at work to argue that a woman must be in the 18-22 range to date, either (again, not a joke). It’s clear, not all Ex’s are created equal, and I should know, I have had a lot of Ex’s. I’m pretty sure all Ex’s can fall into 1 of 5 main categories. I am not counting “The One That Got Away,” because once you get into each individual’s story, it ends up being something like “She was perfect, but she was (insert complete red flag that tells you it would never work here*).” So here are the remaining, real life categories.
The Ex You Loathe –Maybe he shattered his cell phone by throwing it at your head. Maybe she went to your apartment, logged onto your Facebook account and updated your status to tell the world, falsely, that you have HIV.
Whatever the cause, this is the ex where, if police detectives came to your house in a Law and Order-like manner, and said “Ohhhh, your Ex…is deeaaadd,” (In this scenario, the Law and Order detectives sound like the Ghost of Christmas Past. I’ve had some wine.) you would be pulled in for questioning because your lack of reaction would make it seem as if you were guilty. When in fact, you were not, you just don’t care if that Ex is dead. That’s right, I said it. I might sound like a bad person, but the fact is there are Ex’s out in the world that are horrible, and that people secretly (or sometimes, regrettably, openly) hate. You don’t talk about it often, but every time you see a long-haired person driving a black sports car you have the urge to smash the windshield of your Ex. Not that you would, because you’re not a crazy or violent person. You’re Mennonite.
The Ex You Compete With –Regardless of whether you dated them in high school or college, or know them from work, or mutual friends, you run into this Ex sometimes. And when you do, it is very important you are better than them in every way.** You need to have the more prestigious job, the more expensive (and yet more understated) clothes, the hotter new significant other. If you see them and they have lost weight, you will lose that much weight and an additional ten pounds before you go to the local music show you know they will probably be attending. They may pretend like they aren’t aware of this competition and just be friendly, but you know they know. And you will win.
The Ex You’re Friends With- This is a difficult one, because generally if there are any residual romantic feelings on either side, it can be very hard to maintain an actual friendship. Sure, you might go out as friends. But the next thing you know they’re telling you they still like you and you’re eating and drinking too much before you go hookah and then you vomit on yourself in the car.*** Hypothetically speaking.
But if you can maintain a true friendship, it’s a beautiful thing. You don’t have to lose the social circle you gained during that relationship, and they will do helpful things for you still. For example, I am doing some research on WoW characters for an article****, and my Friend Ex emailed me a breakdown of the characters, and a list of people we both know and their characters. See? Helpful.
The Ex You’d Sex – I dated a guy who I met at work. He was so hot, the first time I saw him, I walked into a door. I later emailed him and asked if he wanted to go to Happy Hour with some friends, and he asked if I was the blonde two rows down. I responded “No, I have brown hair and walked into the door in front of you the other day.” (I know, I’m incredibly smooth).
He’s so pretty that if, at any time when I’m not in a relationship, he were to call for sex, I would sex. In fact, if he were to call for drinks, I would sex. **** And that’s this Ex. You may know a relationship will never work out, you may not even want a relationship with this Ex to work out. But you will sex.
The Ex Your Friends and/or Family Inexplicably Love- The conversation will go something like this:
“Liz, why don’t I ever see XXXX anymore? He was such great fun.”
“Well, we broke up. He was seeing other girls, and I found out, doing online amateur porn. I mean, he got paid for it but it wasn’t the professional stuff.”
“Oh…but wasn’t he a blast? Remember the time we went to dinner and I laughed so hard I peed a little? And when he came over, he always helped with the dishes.”
This Ex is the person who may have done terrible things, or lied, or stole your money, but people still love this person. Your friends want to play Nintendo DS with him, and your parents recall fondly that time he came for Easter. You, of course, know he got married to a kindergarten teacher who has no idea he’s still doing porn, but it doesn’t matter. This Ex has …charisma.
Those are all I can think of. Please, feel free to comment with any additional broad category suggestions. I also forgot to mention that when my ex invited me over, he invited both me and my boyfriend over. I just wanted to let you Loyal Readers know there was nothing sinister going on. Unless he kills us both and buries us in the back yard. And in that case, I think I would have to add a sixth category of Ex’s.
*Examples are: A drug addict, secretly married, had no vagina, was sleeping with her pet ferret.
**If you don’t run into them, you online stalk them.
***It is a bad idea to eat/drink a lot before you hookah. Also, if there is just one hookah between the two of you and you are drunk and think you need another hookah, you do not. Also it is extremely awkward if after you throw up on yourself while driving, your friend directs you to a house to clean up and it ends up being his current girlfriend he didn’t tell you about, and her mom’s house.
****If you are in WoW, please email me your main character and why you like it. And if you’re in a relationship. It’s for science.
*****I said “not in a relationship,” Max. Do not get upset. You are wonderful.
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