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Flattery, thy name is Online Dating
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Prettiest eye ever. Photo by Danilo Rizzuti
I have been online dating, off and on, for the past (almost) four years. I have been hit on through emails and IMs, at speed dating events, at work conferences, at amusement parks, at bars, at church groups, and even at charity functions.
I mention this to establish that I am, in fact, an expert at getting hit on, and I feel compelled to use the word “expert” because two columns ago someone accused me of not being an expert at all. Oh, Miss, I know being hit on. At least from a woman’s perspective.
And as a Real Relationship Examiner, I know I write a lot of ambiguous columns. “Oh,” I say cleverly, “The answer could be this but it COULD be this. I’m just examining it!” And then you all comment and it’s very fun. But today, today I feel compelled to give the men not only advice, but a command. A mandate. An edict. Ok, just a suggestion. It involves getting girls interested in you during a very crucial time in the relationship, from first contact to (depending on how loose they are) third to eighth date.
So here goes: Do not compliment our appearances or tell us how unique we are.
Ladies, remember when you were 17 or 18, and perhaps on your first plane ride without your parents or chaperones? Remember when an older guy asked you where the modeling convention was, because he hadn’t realized there was one in Chicago, but there had to be, because that’s obviously where you were going? And you giggled and tee-heed and turned red and later considered if he had really thought you were a model…maybe he didn’t, maybe he did….teehee.
Now, if someone asked you if you were a model, you would roll your eyes and probably laugh in his face. Unless you are, in fact, a model, in which case people probably ask you that all the time. In which case you should email me so we can talk about how it is dating when you’re a model.
You see, men, what worked when we were all young, will not work now. Those were different days, we were packing as much liquid as we wanted into our carry-ons. Now we have 3.5 oz bottles and we realize that line is just a line, and insincere at that.
Men, an interesting phenomenon has happened since there has been internet dating. Perhaps it happened before this, but I was 10 and living in Idaho then and was not aware. But here’s my theory: when internet dating started, many more guys were on the sites than girls. Because there were so many guys to so few girls, to get attention, guys had to distinguish themselves from the pack. They did this by telling women they were…unique.
If you haven’t run across it before, it’s a good compliment. Everyone wants to be unique, right? We say things like “I’m a social liberal but a fiscal conservative” and we like to go to those yogurt places where you can pick your own flavor and put on your own toppings (mine is vanilla with smashed Kit Kats). When we read fairytales, the Princess was always “the fairest of them all” and we liked Jasmine because she was different from the other ladies on Aladdin: she was saucy and unveiled.
So we all got online and started flirting and dating and the guys soon figured out that we wanted to be told we were special, one of a kind. And men e-mailed us saying things like “I’ve never seen such piercing eyes” and “you are by far the most beautiful woman on X dating site within 50 miles of my house” and so on.
Then what happened? It went too far. It’s hard to say when it started. Maybe it was the e-mail telling us we’re beautiful and gorgeous. Maybe it was the lengthy explanation on how much you like to work out. Or maybe, it was that we saw your profile and you checked “looking for THIN girls only” when we are decidedly curvy. Maybe it was the time our boyfriend idiotically logged into his e-mail on our laptop and left it there, so we could clearly see him e-mailing some other girl he met online and then at the mall, and telling her “I’ve never had a connection with anyone like I had with you.”
Maybe it was the sweet email we received that commented on our smiles and great cheeks. Maybe it was that when we didn't respond, we received the same email 2 days later. Regardless, it’s e-mails like those that have inspired websites such as www.emailsfromcrazypeople.com and www.nicetrycreep.com *, and e-mails like those that lead us to draw the conclusion that anyone who thinks we’re that wonderful and that gorgeous by the first profile glance or first date is not sincere.
Not complimenting our looks is the new complimenting us. Just be sincere, and possibly understated. If you thought something we wrote in our profile was great, sure, let us know. If you liked the joke I told, that’s fantastic as well.** But if you tell me I’m pretty, the comment will not penetrate.** It’s nothing personal; you very well could mean it. It’s just that most women receive multiple e-mails like that weekly.
And if you tell me my skin is like smooth cream, my eyes are like sunbursts, you want to lick my mole (what?) or seeing my picture was the best part of your day, I just flat-out won’t believe you.
Now, I’m sure I’ll get some comments saying I’ve been too harsh. I’m sure there are some girls out there who will rise to the online man’s defense and claim they love compliments in first emails. And I’m sure there are men out there who consider me jaded.
But ask yourself this: Would you really want to date someone who got ridiculous compliments every day and still believed them all?
That’s all from me. I’m going to go comb my flaxen hair and eat something with my gorgeous, rosebud lips.
*Favorite email from NiceTryCreep and from Emailsfromcrazypeople. Also, I will bet good money that any women who has dated online for more than 1 week has received emails just like these.
**I am a really bad joke teller.
***I’m having to look at business plans for work lately, and do you know how many people use the word “penetrate” or “penetrating” over and over in their 90-180 day business plan? A LOT of people. I suppose I should be mature and realize it isn’t funny but it is. Saying “penetrate” over and over again is hilarious. Try it.
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