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An Immodest Proposal: The new Women's Lib
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Photo by Danilo Rizzuti
Yesterday, my boyfriend was telling me to do something. I’m pretty sure he wanted me to take my cup from the living room to the kitchen sink, but I can’t swear to that, as I had tuned out because that is what (unintentionally) happens when people talk about housework. Or anything house-related, except for, perhaps “The house is on fire!” I am pretty sure I would retain and respond to that.
I didn’t really want to listen to my boyfriend complain about my untidiness any longer, and I happened to be lying in bed naked, so I parted my legs to show him….my vagina.
I know, the buildup with the ellipses and everything and then the big reveal is …my vagina? Something half of the world possesses? I didn’t think it was a big deal either. But my boyfriend sure did. All talk of Diet Coke-filled cups ceased, and he immediately zoned in, focusing on one ultimate goal: sex. This isn’t because he is a poor, sex-deprived yet still faithful boyfriend. On the contrary, that was at least the second time that day he received conjugal permissions. As a bonus, when I woke up this morning to get ready for work, he had cleaned the dishes off the coffee table himself.
It took a few hours of quiet contemplation to carefully analyze the situation. Dirty dishes (normal) + naggy boyfriend (normal*) + vagina = …no…housework? Women of the world, do you realize what this means? We, with our vaginas, can use sex to get what we want in a relationship.
I’m sure we all knew this on a “common knowledge” level. We see the women in "The Girls Next Door" having their lifestyle paid for just because they are willing to have sex; we see Donald Trump’s current wife, and we know, on some level, that the option is available. But a little voice at the back of our minds tells us that type of manipulation is only for very attractive people.
We listen to our mother’s say things like “a man is only friends with you if he wants something else” and we think “Mo-oom, this is a new generation, and besides, I’m not that good looking.” You see, our mothers knew they could use sex as a weapon, but didn’t pass that information on to us. Why? Well, for one, that would involve talking about sex, something my mother would not in a million years do. And, if she did talk about it at this point, it would probably be in reference to her and my father, and then I would have to vomit.**
The other piece is, we were raised by women who grew up in the 60s and 70s and campaigned for Women’s Rights or were at least around to discuss the pros and cons of bra burnings. These women raised their children to believe that men and women are equal, women have the same opportunities in the workplace as men, and sex is no longer needed to be used as a weapon--as we are all on equal grounds.
These are large hurdles of thought to overcome. Hurdles that require acceptance. First, we must accept that we are most definitely attractive enough (and really only need to have the correct equipment) to use sex to get what we want in a relationship. Secondly, we must accept that using sex to distract and/or get our significant other to do something may be towing the moral line. In the end, however, we know as long as we use our powers wisely, there’s only one last argument that still holds any sway:
It’s not fair.
You know how I know it’s not fair? No girl friend of mine has ever known has said “We were fighting in the kitchen and he slowly started taking off his clothes. I was so overwhelmed with desire I threw myself on top of him, and the pasta casserole was burned beyond recognition.”
That just doesn’t happen. Perhaps part of it is science: we ladies just aren’t as visually stimulated. Perhaps part of it is frequency: you guys are naked a LOT (if only I had a dollar for every time I had to say “Please quit tea bagging my laptop monitor”).
So we’ve established the power we women have over you, just by getting naked and offering sex is, indeed, Not. Fair.
You know what else is not fair though? Your superior upper body strength. Us having babies. You somehow always knowing which way is north, and your ability to wear the same 3 shirts to work in a steady rotation for 5 years without any coworkers noticing. And don’t even get me started on how my private insurance covers your Viagra and not my birth control.
Now, I’m not suggesting that you ladies use this to get out of a serious fight. (Or maybe I am. Tell me how it goes). I’m not suggesting you use this in any other environment besides dating/significant other/spouse. For example, this wouldn’t work in the office, at the grocery store, or to settle a dispute with Cox Cable. I’m not advocating sleeping our way to the top. I’m just wondering if we, as a gender, have realized our TRUE POWER. Something we all possess, but don’t feel we can utilize because of “gender equality” or “we don’t feel like it.” But if this power can get us out of an argument or save us from cleaning the kitchen and the men enjoy it, doesn’t that make the world a better place?
*Just kidding, Max. You are never naggy. Never.
**I get really grossed out whenever anyone talks about their parents having sex, or my parents having sex. I had a friend who, in high school, figured this out and would bring up my parents doing it at very inopportune times, like times when I did not want to retch but ended up doing so anyway. A former coworker who was very free with her sexual stories told me how she once had to go to the ER because she and her husband had gotten chocolate..up…there, and I guess it started to hurt. I have had more than one nightmare about this.
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