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What's in a name?
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Photo by Federic Stevanin
You guys know the penis game? No, not the one where you go to a restaurant with a group of friends and each person has to say it louder than the last until you get kicked out. Although that is a fun game. To you. Not so much fun to your girlfriends. Professor Debbie Cameron did an article on the other penis game—she studied college students and how many different names they could come up with for penis, and she recorded how these names changed if the gender of the group changed.
The penis, in itself, is an amazing thing. And I know, you men are so, so proud of it. And I admit, it’s not bad in terms of form and function. I don’t quite get why you have to be touching it all the time at home, but I approve of the work it does. But really the only situations where I, and most ladies, will actually give the penis an alternate name is to refer to it discreetly in public, on special occasions, or if the penis is an extreme size or shape. *
But you men…your penis is kind of like your Siamese twin. And some guys give their Siamese twin a loving nickname, and some don’t, but I am pretty sure they do in their heads. Until I read this study, the most common penickname (like how I did that?) I had heard was Little “Insert Last Name Here”.
You can read the entire study if you want, just email me**. But here are some of the highlights:
Men tended to personify their penis (Wicked Willie, apparently popular in England), use authoritarian titles (The Chief), or draw from myth (the Purple Avenger). There was, of course, Mr. Happy, my least favorite (it’s just creepy). Men also had a lot of animal and tool or weapon-related names, and food. There were some other categories, but you get the idea.
In one half hour, the man group came up with 144 names.
Women came up with 50 names. The author concluded this was not because women are less creative with word play, but simply because the penis may be more important to men.*** I think I’m going to need to actually quote the paragraph that explains the difference, because it makes me laugh, and because Debbie gave me permission to use it:
There is some overlap between the women’s list and the men’s, but there is also a striking difference. The women’s utilizes fewer and less clearly defined categories. This is not simply a function of their having produced far fewer items overall. The categories that do not appear or are poorly represented in their list are not random omissions. Rather, they are exactly those categories a feminist critical of male sexual aggression would indict most severely: authority symbols, ravening beasts, tools, and weapons. One might generalize by saying that women find the penis endearing, ridiculous, and occasionally disgusting, but not awe-inspiring or dangerous.
We could go into what these penis names mean as a metaphor to our culture, and why men came up with more “tool” names than “women pleasing” names, but wouldn’t it be more fun for me to list my favorite names from the study? I thought so.
From the Men:
Kimosabe
Genghis Khan
Nigerian Nightmare
Anal Intruder (No. Just…no.)
Simba
Passion rifle
Stealth bomber
Hobby horse
Monolith
From the Women:
Eisenhower
Visions of horses
Biscuit (I love how random the women are)
Tallywacker
There are a lot more, but I tend to favor the slightly random names that lean toward humorous. Thank you, Loyal Reader who made me aware of this study, and thank you Debbie, for doing this study and then getting in trouble for it by publishing it. ****
I’m not sure I would try this at home though, kids. Debbie and I are professionals. Husbands, boyfriends and blind dates may be insulted if you throw out as many names as you can for their penis, especially if any of those names don’t imply they are a perfect physical specimen. I think my work here is done. Good night.
…..
Hee, hee…biscuit.
*we also do this for our dates, until we become a couple. It helps our friends keep track of who is who, because so many of you are named Eric.
** It originally appeared in a journal, American Speech, published by Duke UP, and was then reprinted with their permission by Routledge in 2006 in a book-length collection of Debbie’s pieces about language and gender titled On Language and Sexual Politics.
***Mmm. Tell that to me when I’m single, because it seems mighty important then.
****It’s true. There was a giant uproar. One of her academic colleagues suggested she be sent to Bosnia. But she soldiered on. ****
*****You hear that, people who post disapproving comments? You can’t stop me, Debbie has inspired me to stand up for what I believe in. She’s my Rosa Parks.
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