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How to pick up guys
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Photo by Chris Sharp
I wrote an article recently on how guys can pick up women in bars, largely based on my interview with Tito, a trendy bar bouncer and aspiring sociologist.
During the interview, I also attempted to find some answers for the females—how can we, too, get play in bars? His immediate response was disappointing: we should repackage ourselves if we aren’t getting hit on. Ladies, I do not think that is the answer.
I did delay writing the comparable female column though, because, and I’ll be honest here, I was afraid I might have lost it, “it” being the ability to be hit on in bars by eligible and decent men. Not because I’m not attractive (please, see profile picture), but because I haven’t really tried lately, and even in my heyday*, when I was trying, I felt like I couldn’t compete with the legitimate hotties in their halter tops and hair extensions, slinking into my previously favorite Tempe dive bar looking like they had just completed filming an episode of "The Hills." If the game is based on appearances, I don’t have the time, money, or surgical fortitude to even get to the semifinals.
But in the past week, two important things happened. I’ve done some experimenting in bars, and I read When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present. See, in this current day and age, we women complain about how there’s a huge amount of pressure on us to look a certain way. We complain that this is the only way we can get guys. But this book covers the history of women (even before the 60s; not sure why that’s in the title), and discusses how in the past women were largely judged on their looks and their ability to run a household. Women's only tasks were to look pretty and…run a household.
Ladies, we have come a long way. Now we are judged, yes, as every person is judged in a dating or social context. But the nice part is, our personalities count for a lot. Trust me, without my personality, I would just be some naked lady sitting on the couch typing on her computer. So let’s begin:
How to Pick Up Guys in a Bar
1. Clothes are important. Remember that thing I said about your personalities? Forget that for a minute. Dress in clothes that still feel like “you,” but a 25% more slutty**. By more slutty I mean tighter or showing more skin. The usual rules apply—wear a bra if you need to and don’t wear heels if you will walk like you have something uncomfortable wedged up your backside or if you’ll just end up falling down the stairs at Martini Ranch.
2. Venue is even more important. Chances are, if you go to a place where you are having fun, you can find some like-minded people to have fun with. An exception might be an ABBA cover concert, unless you really have a thing for women in their 50s.*** Go somewhere where you will have a good time, even if you don’t meet a guy.
3. Have fun. I realize that sometimes you may find yourself in a place where you would not voluntarily go. These places may include, but are not limited to, bowling alleys, arcades, art shows, karaoke, or a John Mayer concert. And sure, you could lay back in a corner, with a skeptical look on your face, muttering that these aren’t “your kind of people.” No one wants to approach someone who looks miserable.Or, you could jump in and bowl that gutter ball or sing “Fathahh’s be good to your daughtahhh’s” at the top of your lungs.
4. Interact with people. I did an informal survey (I know how you Loyal Readers love my informal surveys) and men seemed to fall in two very distinct groups. Either they thought any time a girl spoke to them or smiled at them she was hitting on them, or they never realized a girl was hitting on them, ever. Either way, a guy will basically think you are hitting on him or not consider it ever, so you don’t have anything to lose by going over to talk. For you shy ladies, I’ll even count eye contact and smiling as interacting.
5. Be confident. This is probably the most important one. Well, I take it back, they all seem important. But if you’re focused on whether what you’re wearing is right, or what you’re saying is right, or what you’re doing is right, how are you going to even know if you feel a connection with the other person? Don’t worry about seeming dorky or weird, or if you absolutely need to worry, remember that EVERYONE worries about that. **** Don’t put too much of a focus on “showing more of your personality,” a phrase that makes me cringe every time it’s used on ANTM, but just think of it as opening up your filter a little. Do and say what you feel like doing.
I am pretty sure that’s all you need to pick up guys. If you’re following all these rules, and things still aren’t working out when talking to a guy, that guy is not meant to date or hook up with you. It’s science. To get out of a situation like that, simply say the thing you’re thinking, which could be anything from “for January, you sure are tan!” to “I think my next pet move will be to get an orange kitty.”**** Wait the appropriate two seconds of awkward silence, identify it by saying “This is awkward,” and walk away. Trust me, it’s the most sophisticated way to go.
That’s all I have for this topic right now. I know five tips don’t compare to the step by step infiltration guide I gave to the guys, but it’s much more detailed than what several people initially suggested, which was “Have a vagina.”******
In general, people are friendly to those who are friendly to them, and have a much higher response rate if you reach out to them, than if you just hang out, hoping someone will come over and talk to you. Still be yourself, and being a *little* drunk probably wouldn't hurt. Good luck.
*Heyday = the brief but shining period where I was brazen enough to wear sparkly tank tops out to bars with my girlfriends. The nights may or may not have ended in vomiting.
**25% may not be exactly scientific, but I feel 50% is too much for some women, and 10% not enough.
***Rod Steele-that ABBA mention was for you.
****An obviously metro, Ken-doll-like man once came up to me and complained it was hot in the bar, while kind of doing a weird winky thing. He WAS hot, and obviously used to using that line so women could respond with some sort of flirtatious remark about how there was something hot, or whatever. Or he was just sweaty and had a twitch. I replied, matter of factly, that it was because he was wearing a felt jacket. He came back to me two times later that night asking if his jacket really looked felt. (Turns out it was cashmere, he showed me the label). The moral of this story is that even the most attractive people are worried about how they appear to you.
*****I would like an orange kitty.
****** By several people I mean mostly Max.
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