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How people, regardless of gender, sabotage their relationships
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Photo by Maggie Smith
eHarmony’s email marketing campaign is geared towards women, no doubt about it. The email I received this week had links to 6 date-related articles, 5 of which had pictures of women on them, and had titles like “Date Ready Skin in Five Steps” and “How to Break Bad Dating Habits” with a picture of a woman shoving a very large cookie into her mouth--because eating cookies is definitely a bad dating habit. My favorite article title was, hands down, “Five Ways Women Sabotage Their Relationships.” The five ways, of course, included women’s insistence on their right to vote and our stubborn expectations that we too should be educated. Number five was actually “Crying and then Blaming it on you Period when You Should be Making a Pie or Something.”
I know, statistically, more men have active online dating profiles than women do, but is it necessary for eHarmony to increase female business with the “ruin their self esteem so they’ll pay for our dating services” approach?
I agree that there are ways people sabotage their relationships. People. Not just women. And that's what I would like to focus on now. You hear that, eHarmony? I reject your sexism, because I recognize that both genders can sabotage relationships. However, I think your commercials are kind of sweet and oddly touching.
Five Ways People, any kind of people, Sabotage Relationships.
1. Not wanting to be the first one to make a move. This does not just apply to who leans into the kiss on the first date; I’m talking about hesitancy to make the first move for anything. Public affection, saying “I love you” or “I’m sorry,” making it clear you want to take the next step in commitment. Literally anything at all. Some people don’t want to make the first move because they have fairly rigid gender or partner roles, due to the way they were raised, societal influences, etc. Or they may just be chicken. But if you’re scared of making the first move, and your partner or potential partner is also scared...nothing will happen. And five years from now the person you liked will ask why you never asked them out, but by that time they’ll be engaged. *
2. Cheating. Different people have different ideas of what constitutes cheating. The line could be at strong flirtation, meeting for drinks, kissing, or sharing personal information you haven’t with your current partner. Or, you know, sex. I see cheating most often occur in the 20-somethings to 30-somethings. A person gets restless but doesn’t necessarily want to break up, and he/she see something potentially better or even equal come along. Guys who are in committed relationships who have hit on me and even insisted they want a relationship, when it comes down to it, really aren’t that unhappy with their wife/girlfriend. They are just bored and enjoy the intrigue. **
3. Not communicating clearly. In the beginning of the relationship, it can be hard to know how much communication is necessary, or expected. If you’ve been dating 3 consecutive weeks, and you have plans for Friday, do you text him to let him know? Or would that be weird, like you’re now expecting to go out every Friday? And it only gets more complicated as it goes on: do you need to have the "exclusivity talk" once you start sleeping together or is it assumed? This problem can be solved simply by telling your partner what kind of communication you need***, and then perhaps following up regularly with gentle reminders on the expected communication level. Of course, it’s only “solved” if your partner listens to you and reciprocates during this process. But most of us don’t do that, do we? We tend to get upset when our partner isn’t doing what we want, without actually telling them what we want.
For example, when my boyfriend and I moved in together a few months ago, I hinted very strongly that I too would like specific TV shows recorded to watch at a later date. Only when I wrestled the remote out of my boyfriend’s hand and explained that I required equal TiVo rights, and that his Wonder Twin cartoon was equally as dumb as my Californication , did he give in and stop bumping my shows off. It sounds silly, and I’m sure there are more serious examples that deal with marriage and kids and stuff, but this was very important to the success of our relationship. He does not need to approve of my shows, but he does need to respect that I want to watch them. Also, I watched Stargate for 2 hours on Sunday with him, so I am a giver as well.
4. Unrealistic expectations. …for the PERSON involved. For example, one of my friends is hot, smart, and successful and from multiple reports, also cooks homemade bread pudding when her boyfriend has a D&D party. That bread pudding thing would be an unrealistic expectation for me.**** Or just cooking in general. Unrealistic expectations can be almost anything: wanting a person to go to church (or not go to church), or insisting on a specific amount of family time, you get the idea. Unrealistic expectations come down to not only communication, but not accepting your partner as he or she is. You won't convince him to give up raisins just because you hate them. Successful relationships are based on give and take, not demand.
5. Forgetting who you are. I grew up fairly religious, and in my adult life have tried more than once to date someone who was also religious. However, I am not the kind of person who can sit through a sermon on how the women’s role is “helpmate” without seriously resisting an overwhelming urge to set all the hymnals on fire. We all know people who get into a relationship and suddenly their political or religious views change, or they start hanging out with a completely different set of people. Even worse, when they do hang out with you, it seems like they are down half a personality, a shell of the person you once knew. It’s incredibly important to maintain your true identity, because that’s the real you. Even CIA agents are only undercover for a limited amount of time, so what makes you think you can pull of being a different person your entire life? You can’t. One day, you’ll crack and yell that you would prefer it if you OCD husband did not only allow blue things in the house. Because really? Blue slipcovers, blue toothpaste holders, it’s enough to drive a person insane.
I am sure there are more ways people can ruin relationships, but these are some of the most important I’ve run into. The (awful) eHarmony article talks about Mr. Right. But isn’t that concept a little dated? Now that women can go to work and whatnot, we don’t really need to find a “Mr. Right” in the sense that our significant other will need to take care of all of our needs. We can take care of ourselves, and are looking for someone who we love and really just like to hang around with. And guys are looking for the same thing. “Mr. Right” implies that there is a certain person who fulfills all of your needs, and that’s probably not going to happy (even if we have “date-ready!” skin).
Max and I are not a perfect couple. We disagree on some things, for example, Max does not like smoking.***** I can take it or leave it, and choose to leave it because it bothers him. But that doesn’t stop me from inhaling deeply and yelling at him “You see what I sacrifice for you!?!” while at a party. (I was told that I did this a week ago, and frankly, I believe it) I don’t expect Max to meet all my needs, and he does not expect the same of me. We have a good relationship because we’re honest with each other, and we understand we are our own Mr. Right. We were happy with ourselves before we met, and the relationship and regular sex is only enhancing our lives, not filling some cavernous hole. Hold the obvious sex jokes, please.
So be your own Mr. Right. If you’re communicating clearly and staying true to yourself, chances are you’ll find a partner that will do the same. Take luck.
*No, this did not happen to me. Sometimes if I mention an example people assume that it is either about them, or about me, and email or IM me trying to guess the specifics of the situation. Sometimes it’s kind of fun just to mess with them, but right now I know about 500 million engaged guys. So I would prefer there be no drama over this.
**I do not mention women cheating, not because I don’t think it happens, but because women who are interested in cheating generally don’t hit on me.
***Make sure you know what you really need or want, and are not just saying something (like “I want to get married!”) just because you feel like you should need/want that. That can backfire.
****My friend thinks I should include a footnote on why cooking is unrealistic for me. I am hesitant to do this, because if I ever mention I can’t cook, people oftentimes view this statement as a challenge and explain how they can help me cook, and how it can be fun. I think the problem is that I just have low standards, so if I put spaghetti sauce on half done noodles, I am fine with that. However, I really wish I was good at something difficult, like math, so when people try to get me to cook I can invite them to my physics class or something. And tell them it’s really fun and they’ll get good if they practice enough.
*****I am, obviously, talking about smoking legal substances.
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