'Tis the season—to make peace with your mother-in-law

November 7, 1:56 PMRelationship ExaminerLinda Diproperzio

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Mother-in-law issues are nothing new. But for some couples, a meddling MIL can cause serious problems in a marriage. In fact, 50 percent of couples surveyed by The Nest say they have a problematic relationship with their in-laws.  And the holidays can often add to those feelings of stress and resentment.  After all, what do you do when you host your first Thanksgiving and she shows up with a turkey (you know, because she didn't think you would be able to pull off making your own)?  Here are some tips that I’ve found helpful in dealing:

Acknowledge her role.  Many MILs feel threatened by their daughters-in-law and worry that they’re no longer important in their sons’ lives.  Although you are now the number one woman in his life, let her know that you not only appreciate the role she played in molding your husband into the wonderful man he is, but that you also see her as an important part in his life today—and that you hope to develop your own bond with her as well.  This will hopefully put her at ease about her role as mother and mother-in-law.

Assign her some tasks.  This is especially important when you start hosting holidays at your home.  It's likely that your MIL is used to playing hostess, and the last thing you want is for her to feel pushed aside.  Ask her to prepare her favorite dessert or to help with decorating the house.  You might also want to try to incoporate some of her family traditions into the day, as well as introduce some of your own.  Remember, if you keep her busy with her own tasks, she'll have less time to focus on what you're doing.

Set boundaries.  Yes, you have to tread carefully because she’s your husband’s mom, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat.  In fact, setting some guidelines is crucial to your sanity, so be as specific as possible to avoid any confusion.  So if she shows up with a turkey to Thanksgiving, say something like, “Oh, you are such a wonderful cook, but I really worked hard on my own turkey.  I'll just wrap this up for you so you can take it home later. And next time, we can coordinate what dish you should bring."  She can donate her turkey to a soup kitchen or simply feed it to the dog.  Who cares?  The point is you're letting her know this behavior won't be tolerated now or in the future.  Just try to remain calm!

Present a united front.  Unfortunately, this is an area some men just can't seem to stomach, as they turn into little boys who don't want to disappoint mommy.  But in order to keep the peace (and keep you happy), he really has no choice in the matter.  Talk to your husband about what you want to say to his mother to make sure you’re on the same page, and then let her know that you came to these decisions as a couple.  This way, she can’t accuse you of being the “bad cop” who is trying to take her place in the family.  If she still doesn't get the message, then your husband needs to step up and speak to her himself. 

Remember, you do have one thing in commom.  You both love the same guy, right?  And while it might be hard to keep that in mind when she's critiquing your new hair do or the way you dress the kids, just keep thinking about the fact that she did raise your wonderful husband.  And when things get really tense, try putting on your best Stepford wife smile, pouring yourself a glass of wine, and remembering that the holidays are just a few days out of the year!