The 'truth' about nutrition and exercise

May 21, 7:43 AMSonoma County ExaminerLaura McHale Holland

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A friend e-mailed an "interview" to me this morning, which I have excerpted herein. I thought a bit of levity was in order amid the news of impending cuts in state funding for programs across the board after we Californians rejected all but one of Gov. Schwarzenegger's pet propositions in Tuesday's special election.

These are the words of a not-so-famous doctor:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart's only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak's nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef's also a good source of field grass (green, leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine's made from fruit. Brandy's distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer's also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: What are some advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is, no pain ... good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is swimming good for one's figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey, round is a shape.

Q: Do you have any parting wisdom for those of us seeking to live a healthier, happier life?

A: Here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English as your primary language is apparently what kills you.
 

Note: Original source unknown, but if you authored the e-mail from which this is excerpted, get in touch, and I'll acknowledge you.

Update: Tim Chambers got in touch on behalf of Alex at heheli.com. He said, "I got it via email today, googled, and found your blog. I googled some more and found that Alex at heheli.com/general-health/8-diet-misconceptions-that-will-make-you-laugh/ claims to have written it."