September 11th : our nation remembers

September 11, 5:58 PMRelationship ExaminerDebra Collins

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  Photo: Mark Lennihan / AP

 Today marks the eighth anniversary of the terrorist attacks of September 11th. As the years go by, some people may not find this day as emotionally charged. For others, whose loss or experience was more personal,  this day may highlight their pain.

A shared loss of this magnitude is very public, but how the survivors cope and mourn and choose to remember their loved ones, is deeply personal.

Some thoughts for survivors:

• Whether or not you want to participate in a public memorial may change for you over time and  as your needs change.
• Different family members may want to mark the day in different ways.
• Some people find more comfort celebrating a birthday, or other significant day, rather than the day of the death.
• People are often surprised on the actual anniversary day that they do fairly well, but feel more sad or irritable a few days before or after. For those who struggle with their emotions before; it is often the anticipation of the day that is most troubling and then when the day arrives, they find some relief. For those who feel more intensely  afterwards, it is often because they cope by "holding it together." After the day has passed, the energy that took to accomplish that is released. These are just two possible coping styles, neither of which is better than the other, but could provide understanding of when they might require more support.

The way one grieves or finds comfort is unique to each individual, but some common issues for survivors is often the need for permission and reassurance that how they have chosen to cope is all right, and that it is ok to change this over time.

As a nation, one collective way that we can pay tribute to those who died on September 11th, is to honor the request of  survivors such as Gloria Russin who lost her son Steven Harris Russin,  "I ask that you honor my son and all those who perished eight years ago ... by volunteering, by making some kind of act of kindness in their memory,"