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How to protect yourself in a MMA fight against a Zombie....
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As many fighters will tell you, the number one question they’re usually asked by your average Joe Schmo, is “How do I protect my self in a fight against another person?” I however, will think outside the box, and ask the more important question of “how do I protect myself in a fight against a Zombie?” This is a question that has plagued me, since I witnessed my first Zombie attack last year, when it was apparent Antonio “Minotauro” Nogueria was half-zombie after the shellacking he took from the likes of Heath Herring and Tim Sylvia. I challenge you to prove me wrong on this notion, how else can you explain Noguerias zombie like demeanor and inability to be knocked out (with the exception of Frank Mir who is part zombie now, after he was bitten by Nogueira right before they‘re UFC 92 bout)? The closest fighter we have in MMA to a zombie is Antonio “Minotauro” Nogueria and like the Bush's baked beans commercials of yester-year “only he knows the family recipe, and he's not talking.” Also, I think after he fought Dan Henderson in PRIDE “Hendo” became one as well, because the man can’t be knocked out either and keeps coming back for more. Since no one will tell me how to properly defend myself against zombie attacks, I will take the higher-road, and tell you what to do in midst of a zombie showdown.
If I were in a street fight against a zombie, I’d first start off by setting the mood of the fight, with a little mood music. Start by locating your nearest boom box or smart phone, and download “Crocodile Rock” by Sir Elton John as fast as you can. The reason why, is Zombies hate Elton John’s music, and by playing this ever so cheesy song, you’ll actually confuse the zombie and catch them off guard. It goes with out saying, you’ll need to be in tip-top shape to fight a zombie, so I recommend you have phenomenal cardio-vascular conditioning at all times (start running eight miles a day “insurance style” just in case you have to man-dance with a zombie that particular day). Next, your going to need to devise a smart game plan when you begin to fight with the zombie. I suggest you stick with all long outside strikes, because if you get to far inside and close, you run the risk of being bitten (we all know what happens if that occurs). Do not and I repeat DO NOT, take the fight to the ground! Your only chance of beating the zombie, is on your feet. If you’re a glutton for risk-taking though, and you fancy your self a submission anomaly; I suggest you apply submissions with the utmost precision (one false mistake, and it’s zombie nation here you come).
I’d try and apply lots of arm-bars, knee-bars, leg-locks, and kimura’s, because once you apprehend the zombie’s striking appendages, you render them quite useless. I would not attempt to apply any chokes, because they're already dead, so they’re not breathing anyways. If you are unsuccessful in your attempt to extract the extremities of your wish, next focus all your energy to the striking portion of the fight. Like I said earlier, you’ll need to throw long distance strikes. This is where Mirko Cro-cop’s highlight reel comes in to play. Watch the youtube video of Mirko Cro-Cop’s devastating left and right head kick knockouts. If your lucky, and can kick hard enough, you’ll knock the zombies head clean off; and ta dah fight over.
In most cases people fight better when they are drunk, so be sure to drink heavily before the fight. By being totally hammered, you’ll confuse the zombie yet again with your staggering movements, and slurred speech and make them think your one of them (kind of like they did in Shaun of the Dead, when they dressed up and acted like zombies). I suggest start carrying a flask full of “Everclear” or “Bacardi 151,” yes you might run the risk of getting popped by the fuzz with an “open-container” fine. You need to ask yourself the question of what’s more important to you, some measly ticket costing hundreds of dollars, or your life?
Finally the way to win the fight is simple, DON’T FIGHT A ZOMBIE IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU MORON!!! Fighting zombies’ is like playing the lottery, you’ll never win (unless your some redneck farmer who will just use the money to by more land and cattle and such. Even then they don‘t win, because after PETA steps in and investigates all the chickens and sheep they have molested over the years, they will end up in the penitentiary for animal cruelty a la Mike Vick style). I hope this has been a lesson to all, zombie-itsu is the only style of martial arts worth knowing. Next time you see a zombie, encourage them to bite you, so you to can be unstoppable and possibly have a chance of beating Fedor Emelianenko, then again who am I kidding? No one can beat Fedor, not even the most awesome folklore and pop culture icon known as, THE ZOMBIE. Special thanks to my cousin “Big John,” for his obsession with zombie culture and how to survive zombie attacks, and giving me the inspiration to write what I feel like is my funniest piece to date! If you like zombies, and have a fixation like he does, please check out his site at www.zorvival.com
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