News Roundup for April Fool's Day

April 1, 9:22 AMPolitical Issues ExaminerJudah Freed

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European G20 leaders walk out on Obama

In a surprise show of solidarity, European leaders at the G20 economic talks in London today walked out of the hall during remarks by U.S. President Barack Obama. On a cue from German Chancellor Angela Merkel, they stood as one body and walked out, noses high in the air.

Britain's Prime Minister Gordon Brown (left) greets
U.S. President Barack Obama outside 10 Downing
Street in London, Wednesday April 1, 2009. World
leaders are gathering in London for the G20 summit
amid an unprecedented security operation to protect
the meeting from violent protests and terrorists.
(AP Photo/Matt Dunham)

"We just wanted President Obama to know that we think deficit spending is not the solution to the world economic crisis," said Merkel. who then ordered her limousine driver to to take her to Herrods luxury department store. As the limo pulled away from the curb, Merkel was seen in the back seat fondling her American Impress credit card.
 

Bank of England staff attacks G20 protestors

Managers and employees early this morning stormed the encampment of anti-capitalist protestors at the G20 economic talks. "We were sound asleep when the bankers attacked," said O. Susannah Dontyoucryforme, an organizer for the radical group, Code Fuschia. "One moment I'm dreaming of everyone in the world joining hands to sing an old Folksmen tune," she wailed while being loaded onto an ambulance, "and then the next moment I'm being pummeled by wild bankers swinging sacks of  silver shillings."

A spokesperson for the Bank of England, Sir Osgood Farthingsworth, disavowed any collusion of bank officials in the attack. "I'm absolutely certain that the attack on the protestors this morning had absolutely nothing to do with the memorandum we distributed to all bank personnel yesterday," he said. An Examiner reporter obtained a copy of the memo, titled, "How to attack those dirty, stinking, rotten radial protestors in their sleep tomorrow morning and then disavow all knowledge afterwards."

U.S. House approves compulsory national service for children

On the heals of the U.S. House of Representatives passing The Edward M. Kennedy Serve America Act, voting to spend $6 billion over the next five years to triple the number of jobs in AmeriCorps and other national service programs for youth, the House last yesterday in a voice vote authorized the Education Department to order millions of delinquent and tardy elementary and pre-school school students to perform national service in forced labor camps.

"If these young ruffians don't want a free public education," said U.S. Rep. Locken Chains, "We'll teach them the hard way about the real world." Work assignments for the children are expected to include digging trenches for fetid sewer lines as well as long hours toiling in dark factories and mills. "Child labor laws have nothing to do with this," said Chains. "We need these wayward brats to do all those dirty little jobs that the illegal aliens refuse to take."

GM announces drastic restructuring plan

Less than a week after President Barack Obama force the resignation of General Motors CEO and actor Lyle Waggoner, the GM management in tandem with the United Auto Workers this morning announced a new restructuring plan that's expected to win swift approval by the Obama Administration.

"Starting on May 1," said new GM CEO and bandleader Skip Henderson, "GM will shut down all but two of our factories, which will be retooled immediately and dedicated to the production of electric tricycles."  Henderson pointed to a recently released study by researchers at the University of Michigan that the nation's epidemic of overweight and obese children can best be addressed by providing alternative modes of transportation to these suffering from childhood hyper-carbohydrates syndrome (CHCS).       

The GM plan was backed by UAW spokesperson Dee Flaytted Tyres. "We deeply regret that 90 percent of our union work force will be laid off in the restructuring," she said, "but jobs is jobs, and some jobs is better than no jobs, so what else can we do but go along with this very stupid plan?"

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY! 

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