How much communication is too much?

May 18, 2:19 PMRelationship ExaminerBilly Thieme

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Couples create stronger bonds through open, full communication.

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Dear Real Advice Examiner;

    My new boyfriend and I seem to be laying some pretty serious groundwork for what I hope is going to be a long term, healthy relationship after just about six months of dating. He’s so right for me, and we seem to relate well on just about everything. Our sex life is great - in fact really great - and we both seem to be in line with each other on so many levels. Which leads into the one thing I’m a tiny bit stuck on: It seems that when we approach the few areas in our lives - and now our life together - where we aren’t  pretty much in total alignment,  we end up in some intense discussions, and sometimes arguments. He seems to need to pick incessantly at whatever it is that we’re discussing - whether it be past relationships, my relationship with my family, or how we feel about having kids. Sometimes we even end up arguing about simple things like what we think about a movie we’ve just seen. My question is: How much communication is too much, and what can we do to keep from letting simple arguments or differences in opinion turn into major events?"

    This is a great question, and one that is likely going to  be somewhat  different for different couples.
    
    First, I have to point out that, not knowing the exact nature of what you and your boyfriend are discussing when these discussions turn into arguments, as opposed to what you’re talking about when they don’t, makes it somewhat difficult to address completely. Obviously, many subjects, particularly many of those we tend to discuss when we’re “laying pretty serious groundwork for . . . a long-term, healthy relationship,” are particularly charged with emotion, and may need a more “kid glove” approach than others. Discussing your views on kids and marriage with someone with which it could potentially actually take place - especially if it’s the first time one of you has discussed it - can be a pretty harrowing experience. It often seems, also, that the more serious, intimate and in-sync a couple becomes, the more of their regular, everyday conversations seem to turn into ones either directly approaching, or skirting around, the thorny issue of lifetime commitment.  I tend to feel that these kinds of conversations deserve just about as much time as you can muster to discuss with your partner, to give the both of you time and tools to work through them together, with full disclosure.

    Having said that, I can understand when “enough” turns into “too much,” threatening to cause one of you to shut down to the whole idea. There are a few simple rules of thumb that might help to get you both through these conversations before they deteriorate into an argument, or, worse, into a break up:
 

1. Listen, completely and exclusively. When you’re not communicating effectively, often arguments result because you’re attempting to answer something your partner’s not actually asking. Be sure to fully listen to his observations, questions or concerns, without  interruption, and as with as open-minded an attitude as possible (and make sure he understands you expect the same from him in return). **HINT: Once you feel you understand what he’s said, it often helps to repeat it back to him in the form of a question to see if you’ve got it right.
2. Hang up your ego somewhere outside of the conversation. Do as much as you can to try and remove your own agendas from the conversation, to avoid any clouding of the situation. If you’re convinced she’s wrong, or mistaken, or even just off the mark about what she’s saying to you before you’ve heard it, you’re going to believe that no matter how often she explains herself. Not only that, but you risk leading her to feel like her words are falling on deaf ears, since you’ll more than likely stop listening before she’s finished her point. **HINT: Dropping your own ideas for a few minutes can really help you open up to listening intently, and potentially to new, refreshing ideas and perceptions. Give it a try next time things get a little heated, at least conversationally.
3. Know when to walk away. Knowing when to step away and cool down is extremely important. Almost nothing can hurt a relationship more quickly and deeply than an argument that deteriorates into insults, which is invariably what can happen if it goes too far and passion takes over. Make sure you’re paying close attention to your temper, so you’ll know when to take a breather and step away to re-collect yourselves and begin communicating again. **HINT: Many couples find that using a “safe word,” which is a word or phrase that both of you agree upon in advance that signals the both of you to stop, turn around, and walk away from the conversation to cool down helps quite a bit. Turns out that the same thing that works in erotic play to keep you safe also works in every day life . . .
4. Agree to disagree. There are limitless possibilities, beliefs and perceptions in our universe, and we learn more about them through our intimate relationships that through any other single avenue in our lives. Ignoring the beautiful experience of learning something new by examining someone else’s viewpoint, especially if it’s a view you disagree with or even find unpalatable, is a terrible waist. You don’t have to agree with his interpretation, but accepting it as valid will go a long way towards building a strong bond between you both, and should also help him to accept your varied viewpoints in the future.
5. Don’t forget to make up, when the time is right. Often, the most passionate intimacy is born out of passionate arguing. Take advantage of the heat you two have generated through arguing and let it spill into the bedroom, once you’ve both returned to the point where you feel you can talk without continuing to argue. Replacing the passion you feel for an argument with some passion you can take pleasure in also has the potential to cause both of you to re-think the original discussion, too. **HINT: Bonds forged over differences between the two of you tend to be stronger than bonds  formed through things you have in common with each other. Differences provide some necessary conflict that keeps communication alive and exciting between couples, and they help point each of you in directions that you may not otherwise decide to go alone - some of which are directions in which you often find out you need to go.

    Above all, make sure you are being honest with yourself when you’re communicating with your partner. If you find something is feeling like “too much communication,” ask yourself why you feel that way? Is there something you’re not considering that might actually be inspiring your feelings of discomfort? Is it possible that you don’t feel comfortable confronting your reactions, perceptions or experiences around whatever you’re discussing? If you can’t speak your truth in these situations, and feel comfortable with it, there really can be no solution - just a continuous spiral towards accepting that you have work to do.