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Aggressive talk - She's always stepping on my voice!
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Aggressive discussions require some serious talking through.
There can be no doubt that often it’s the small things that eventually erode the very substance of relationships. We tend to sweat the small stuff much more than we’re prepared to admit, and that small stuff can often catalyze a complete collapse.
One reader of this column writes:
“My girlfriend has an annoying habit of interrupting me before I can finish a thought. It used to be cute, in the “we finish each other’s thoughts” kind of way, but it’s become so constant that I feel like it’s threatening our relationship. She does it during arguments, yes - everyone does that - but also when we're talking about things we’re both excited about. It usually turns the conversation into an argument because we’re both trying so hard to speak over each other, and then it becomes competitive, and out of hand. . . . I’ve talked to her about it more than a few times. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like sometimes we’re avoiding talking to each other, or that we’re walking on eggshells . . .." - Stepped On
Well, Mr. Stepped, I can understand the frustration - I think a lot of us can. When someone steps on your voice, it can often make you feel insignificant, maybe less intelligent than the speaker that cuts you off. When that someone is your lover, or spouse, the feeling may run even deeper. And, more significantly (and more dangerously), we’re prone to allowing it to happen to us again and again from someone with whom we’re in an intimate relationship, in favor of “keeping the peace.”
Keep this in mind: Sublimating your own intentions, needs and desires in favor of “keeping the peace” is a sure way to erode your relationship from the inside, and it can crush your self esteem. From the sound of your letter, I’m a little concerned about that as well. It sounds to me like you’re doing more conceding than your partner in these discussions when they “ . . . become competitive.” The way you describe them makes her sound pretty damned aggressive, maybe even on the attack.
Remember, an attack always requires two sides: the aggressor and the victim. The prospect of standing toe-to-toe with an aggressive personality can definitely help to make you feel like a victim, of course. But remember that the perception of victim or aggressor is within your control. She may be aggressive, and may not realize it - but in any case, if you’re thinking she is, than you’re believing she is.
The first step in resolving this type of issue is to examine your own base of perception. Look at your perception of the situation from both sides, as much as you can. Is there any reason you might be seeing aggression where there isn’t any? Many of us have a parent who may have seemed aggressive when disciplining us, and that can lead to a tendency to replicate that pattern in relationships. If it’s your perception that she’s attacking you, try looking at it from a more compassionate angle. Maybe she feels a need to be preemptive, due to some similar issues: low self esteem, a history of aggressive relationships, or even a feeling that you’re being aggressive. While it may seem oversimplified, often looking at your perception of a situation and deciding to change how you perceive it may be the answer.
And then again, it may not. As in all cases of the heart, there are two of you perceiving things, and when these things get to the point where one or both of you is experiencing pain, the best thing to do is talk it through together. This is where, as humans, our innate need for relationships is proven. Questions and challenges that arise in between two people in any relationship arise for legitimate reasons: they’re questions you need answered in your life, challenges that you need to face in your evolution.
You say you’ve “ . . . talked to her about it more than a few times. . . ,” but to no avail, apparently. Ask yourself how you have approached the subject, and then try again. Once you go through the exercises above in perception, see if there’s one you both hadn’t considered, and approach it from that angle.
Of course, there’s always still the chance that the lesson to be learned here is that you two have reached the end of your journey together. If this habit is truly threatening your relationship, then maybe it’s time to look at whether she’s right for you. Often, jumping on someone else’s words does come from a lack of respect. If you’re always cutting someone off, maybe it’s because you don’t care to hear what your partner has to add to the conversation. Or maybe you feel it’s a waste of your more valuable time, or perhaps you feel threatened by your partner's superior intelligence.
Being shut down like that repeatedly can certainly affect your self esteem. And when your self esteem is being torn down, then you’re not really learning from the relationship anymore. Chances are, neither is your partner.
Take a look at this article in Psychology Today - It’s chock full of advice on how to manage your perceptions of partners’ habits and what they may mean. And good luck with whichever direction you take.
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