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Rules for arguing #4: Know, and speak, your truth - always!
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The concept I am going to present in this article leans so much towards the abstract that it tends to get even the most focused, attentive, and patient participant in any argument mixed up rather easily. In order to gain the most growth and resolution possible from your inevitable arguing, it is necessary to keep this in mind:
Know, and speak, your truth - always!
It may seem simple, but actually knowing your truth is anything but. While, as a culture, we humans seem to uphold this belief that “truth” is some immutable and timeless thing, we also, and simultaneously, know that it’s not. If this were a fact, there would be no need for argument, to put it simply. Even the most fluid, open, and liberal definition of “truth” depends on an ability to know, and as we began to discuss in my last article, knowledge of anything becomes a really slippery proposition, when we take into account the nature of perception. In a nutshell, anything that can be “known” attains that status as a result of our perceptions, and each of our perceptions is the result of countless chemical, spiritual, and psychological influences on the one-and-only machine for absorbing, assimilating, identifying, and classifying our reality: ourselves.
Here’s where it becomes more slippery: It is through our all of our relationships with each other that we attempt to forge our most beautiful and actualized self. It is through the passionate flames of our most intimate relationships that we burn away the most useless and damaging habits, patterns, and beliefs, and learn and re-learn “truths” about ourselves. We take what we learn from these relationships, which is now our newest-and-most-improved “truth,” and we waltz out into society only to have them adjusted again, and we bring them back into the relationship for further discussion. We continuously modify these truths, as we realize that they no longer fit the perception of ourselves that we are constantly re-forging, in order to grow into that complete person we strive to become. And thus starts the spiral, or vicious circle.
This is why it’s so important to know your truth - at any given moment - and speak that truth at the moment you find yourself in an argument. You know the cycle - that truth may be completely topsy-turvy within days, or weeks, or even years - that’s OK. Keep in mind that we are meant to change and modify - and in too many cases repair - our perceptions throughout our lives. This is the reason you’re in a relationship in the first place. If you don’t speak the truth in which you believe when you believe it, your partner has no chance of presenting his perception of that truth, and you then deprive yourself of the chance to modify that truth to better fit any new perceptions.
Also remember - it works both ways. When your partner speaks her truth, it’s wise to give both of you the benefit of hearing and assimilating it, and responding with your truth, as you continue to shape and mold yourselves.
An axiom to this rule: Remember to allow your truth to change, and be O.K. with it. When you find yourself arguing a similar point some weeks - or even moments or years - after an argument, and find that you are now speaking from a different viewpoint about that same point, congratulate yourself! You’ve reached a level where you are allowing yourself to react with a new truth, in a situation where you reacted otherwise due to an earlier truth - regardless of its significance. This is one of the few tangible signs of growth that we can experience with the presence of mind to actually relate it directly to our reality. You should feel excited!
Not recognizing this step in personal growth is not only unhealthy, it often leads towards the disintegration of a relationship. Too often, couples find themselves arguing incessantly about something in which neither of them still believes, only because they argued about it sometime in the past. At this point the argument has evolved into a contest to prove the other partner wrong, or to gloat over having been correct in the previous argument, and the potential benefit has evaporated. Once this type of arguing becomes constant, it often means that both partners has outlived the usefulness of the relationship, and may want to start moving into new cycles.
Coming up: Another rule for arguing: Keep your cool!
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