When Listening Needs to Become Zen - Especially When it's About Money

October 9, 7:23 PMRelationship ExaminerBilly Thieme

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    Recent events have all of us on edge, don’t they? With the overwhelming media noise drowning out our own thoughts, and all of it ranging from just plain bad to downright apocalyptic, the ability to pay legitimate attention to our partners in relationships becomes nearly impossible sometimes. This can cause simple discussions to quickly escalate into arguments, and even into major events that put some pretty heavy pressure on our relationships - even up to their potential destruction.
     Sadly, it’s when these discussions turn to money that these pressures tend to add up most quickly, and can lead to the most destructive types of conversation. And now, nearly all of the media noise is about money. Now, more than ever, it’s important to step back, breathe, and take a fresh look at what you and your partner are discussing, before it all escalates way beyond control. I think some tenets of Eastern Philosophy may come to our rescue in situations such as these
     Among the teachings of many Eastern Philosophies, including Zen Buddhism, is the seemingly endless quest for full annihilation of the ego from one’s psyche, to allow the spirit to be truly at one with the universe. Zen teaches that it is absolutely necessary to move beyond the ego, or self, in order to reach Satori - or true spiritual awakening.
    I bring this up in relation to the current economic issues and our relationships because, invariably, someone occupies the culturally conditioned position in our homes of “The Provider.” When questions about money arise in the daily workings of relationships, “The Provider” often feels that the other partner in the relationship is questioning his or her ability to successfully maintain and provide for the family or couple. This almost always leads to an immediate reaction, in self-defense, to be sure. Often, these reactions are the most explosive, and often even violent, events in any relationship. These are reactions that often lead to a complete dissolution of the relationship, or at least to a serious breech in trust.

    I think most of us can use some of the basic concepts from the zen advice above to help avoid the reactionary scenarios I’ve described. If it doesn’t help avoid the defensive reactions altogether, following these concepts can at least weaken their effects. In order to do this, when you’re involved in a discussion about money - and these are no doubt going to increase over the coming weeks - take a few moments for both of you to step away from each other and perform this very simple, quick “mini-meditation session”:

• Isolate - find some space free from each other, for just 5 to 10 minutes, max. This won’t take much time, and you can continue with clearer heads when you return, and resolve the issues in question;
• Breathe - sit down, close your eyes (if you’re comfortable with that), and focus on inhaling and exhaling, slowly, while you feel your mind and body reach a calmer state;
• Identify - locate your feelings of responsibility, and then trace them back to your ego. You’ll know you’ve found it when you find yourself arguing with your own mind about those responsibilities, and your mind refuses to let you release ownership, for fear of failure;
• Destroy - I don’t expect you to destroy your ego - that’s a goal that monks spend their entire lives attempting to do, and they struggle mightily. What I do think you can be successful in doing is destroying the connection between your ego and the feeling of ownership and responsibility for circumstances you and your partner are arguing about.

      I believe you can remove the subsequent fear of failure by recognizing that it is your ego that leads you to believe that, as “The Provider,” you AND ONLY YOU bear responsibility for the relationship’s survival - economically, physically, spiritually, in all aspects. Once you realize that both of you share the responsibility for the survival of the relationship, equally, you can than come much closer to fully controlling your perceptions of the situation. You can then listen with more clarity. This should lead to calmer, more focused discussion, and much quicker resolutions to your problems.
      This advice can work wonders for your relationship on a daily basis, as well. Consider this: to achieve as true and complete connection as is possible with another human being, it becomes necessary to be able to experience each other with as little preconceptions and prejudices as possible. Our own perceptions are often clouded by our self-image, or ego, and they often prevent us from seeing the true nature of our partners, or the effects of our actions, and those of others.
       Learning to recognize just where you ego fits in for you in your world view will help you to clarify your own position in the universe. And, as we’ve been saying all along, knowing and accepting you and your place in the universe completely is the most important step in presenting yourself to the universe as a whole human being. And the more complete you are, the more you have to share with your partner - and the more you both have to gain from being in a relationship.