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NFL @4: Brett, Broncos, Brovlofski, "Beanie & Cecil". Hefner & Kendra added for effect.
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"What, you don't like the color blue?" (AP Photo)
OK, so now do you believe me Vinnie Testaverde’s not to old to be signed by someone?
DOLPHINS: Hard to not enjoy the incessant stream of babble that pours forth from the lips of Joey Porter. OK, perhaps that was just a tad too harsh. Let’s just say that when Joey speaks, another bubble of logic bursts somewhere and disappears into the ether. When first I heard Porter say that the AFC East still goes thru Miami I had visions of someone having surfaced a little too quickly and thus becoming severely disoriented. The way these Dolphins are plowing the waters now with a QB everyone was concerned would one day be forced into a starting role, Porter could indeed still be proven correct. Save for thus far defeating a bumbling Bills bunch, the Dolphins better play at ramming speed the rest of this season or that road will indeed go thru Miami. And in the process roll right over this team like a drunken powerboat operator en route to another South Beach Cuba Libre.
VIKINGS: Certainly I believe there was no revenge motive for Brett Favre in facing the Packers. I also believe the bratwurst is fat free, Lambeau Field is hallowed ground because it was built on the resting site of the Ark of the Covenant, and the Timberwolves will become NBA Title contenders about the same time Keith Olbermann reveals his nightly rants are actually written in crayon. Of course it was revenge, and damned fun to watch. Favre has done such a masterful job of making creaky old guys sexy again that I hear Kendra is yearning to be back serving all of Hugh Hefner’s needs. Except, of course, for the nightly changing of "Depends".
BRONCOS: It hasn’t taken Kid Josh long to make the people around Denver forget about Mike Shanahan. Then again in light of Shanny’s final title runs it wasn’t that difficult. All he had to do was hold one media news conference sounding slightly less arrogant than Kevin Costner still trying to explain what if anything went right with “Waterworld”. Kyle Orton has succeeded Kyle Brovlofski as the most popular Kyle in Kolorado….sorry, Colorado. But these are some of the more intelligent football fans in the land, (notice I said “some of” to avoid banishment and/or verbal injury), and no one is fooling themselves into thinking wins over Cincinnati, Cleveland and Oakland, otherwise known as the “Axis of Awful”, qualifies as something to get pompous about. The Raiders were long ago replaced by San Diego as the division rival Denver has to worry about. Then again, when looking at the recent standings there is very little difference between those two teams. Consider it similar to the difference in common sense between David Letterman and South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.
CHARGERS: The biggest question still surrounding this underachieving team? What’s more ridiculous? General Manager AJ Smith calling the team out publicly by describing their play of late as “soft and bewildering”? Or LB Shawne Merriman’s current coif? Either way you use the clippers, this is one exceptionally disappointing team that Smith has every right to embarrass. Seeing as the Chargers defense let Pittsburgh roll up 497 yards of total offense recently, we haven’t seen eleven grown men make such public fools of themselves since the first season of “A Shot of Love with Tia Tequila”. And those guys at least started the series knowing they were being used and abused for someone else’s entertainment. Needless to say the San Diego defense hasn’t caught on yet.
TITANS: Things have bottomed out so fast in Tennessee that some of the more rabid faithful are calling for new defensive coordinator Chuck Cecil to be replaced by the dragon in “Beanie & Cecil”. (You young ‘uns go ahead and hit the hyperlink, then catch up with us when you’re ready). Backup QB Vince Young is saying all the right things publicly in support of starter Kerry Collins. How everyone needs to stick together, being 100% behind a teammate, one guy struggles and everyone struggles, pay no attention to that voodoo doll in my locker wearing #5. First, take a starting QB with a passer rating in his most recent game that is lower than Whoopi Goldberg’s IQ when talking about the need to forgive Roman Polanski (66.7). Add to that the Colts this weekend, Patriots after that, a possible 0-6 start to the season. You would then have the Titans turning to Vince Vaughan just as quickly as Vince Young to save what would be the straightest line between 2009 and the 2010 #1 draft choice.
Be afraid, Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow. Be very afraid.
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