20 Tips for Men and Women on How-To Stay Single

April 21, 4:10 PMSF Thirty-Something ExaminerAirto Jackson

These helpful hints can stave off the onslaught of hungry monogamists looking to turn a quickie into a full-scale all-out love connection, so listen closely. Ensure you don’t fall prey to a ravenous creature whose deepest zombie-like desire is to whisper sweet nothings, share inside jokes, or help with the bills. Ward yourself off; protect yourself at all costs from every advance, every glint-filled eye, every flirt out to make a fast friend, or every lonely-heart searching for a fellow fulfiller. For the sake of yourself or secondly your loved ones don’t get caught amid the maelstrom. You’ve been warned.

Tips for Staying Single: Women

1. Revert and divert all conversations large or small, relevant or irrelevant, to be ‘you’ centered.
2. Complain constantly.
3. Ridicule others while blatantly ignoring your own shortcomings.
4. Be as demanding as possible (If this proves to be difficult so should you).
5. Give undue attention to any mobile communication devices to create an atmosphere of ‘less important vs. more important’.
6. Overly concern yourself with celebrities.
7. Agree reluctantly.
8. Be too ‘popular’.
9. Explain yourself sans prompts.
10. Believe in unicorns.
11. Remain ridged, uncertain and bitterly opposed to new ideas.
12. Claim no fashionable associations while your garb says otherwise.
13. Like the television show “Scrubs.”
14. Be aggressive.
15. Astound everyone with your willful ignorance of world affairs.
16. Explore the skilled timing of ‘gas expulsion’ jokes.
17. Scowl.
18. Travel through space and time on a broomstick.
19. Love cats.

Tips for Staying Single: Men

1. Be yourself.

Ignoring this list of 20 Tips for Men and Women on How-To Stay Single could result in adverse side effects such as: all-night makeout sessions, sharing, bubble baths, and kids. Happy hiding.