How To Achieve the Nooner

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September 22, 10:10 PM

by Pat Pemberton, Surf Examiner

 

When I saw Halloween stuff displayed at our local Ralph’s grocery store today, my immediate reaction was: It’s over.

Summer, that is.

Gone. History. Out of here.

Of course, the calendar tells us that it’s official as of today. But the shorter days have been giving us hints for a while now. And that limited light means we working class schmucks are about to lose a precious summer gift: The Evening Stoke.

With less and less daylight after work, I figure I’ll be lucky to get one more evening session in before next spring. And that, in theory, could translate to fewer surf sessions – were it not for the nooner.

Not that kind of nooner, sicko. A surf nooner.

What’s a surf nooner, you ask? Well, the concept is quite simple, actually:

You surf.

At noon.

Okay, well, maybe it’s not quite that simple. Because, unless you’re Kelly Slater, you probably have to work a real job, which means during the day you’re at the office, the factory, the strip club – wherever. But that doesn’t mean you can’t sneak a surf sesh in.

Maybe. I mean, if your workplace is a half an hour from the beach, then, well . . . I’m sorry. But if you’re office or strip club is, say, 10 to 15 minutes from the beach, then, yeah --  you can partake in the surf nooner.

I’ve done this a few times now (that photo above shows me about to get a nooner), and I’ve learned to refine the techniques. Here are some tips:

1.)    Pick the quickest destination. The surf nooner isn’t about getting the best waves, only the closest.

2.)    Eat on the run. Since time is limited, you’ll want to pack a lunch before you go to work in the morning and eat it as you drive to your nooner. I recommend something light.

3.)    Time your trip. Before attempting the surf nooner, make a couple of dry runs, timing your trip to the beach and back. And don’t speed (too much).

4.)    For cold water surfers: Consider the time it takes to suit up and then later make yourself presentable for your return to work. Allow a good ten minutes for this. If your workplace is ten minutes from the beach, driving and dressing will take 30 minutes.

5.)    Cheat. Most work places allow for an hour lunch with two 15-minute breaks, right? Go ahead and throw your two 15-minute breaks in with your lunch, allowing for 90 minutes total. If this is not allowed, contact your union boss. If you don’t have a union, start organizing -- if nothing else, it might scare management enough to give everyone a raise.

6.)    Surf. Minus the half hour driving and dressing, that leaves one hour of surfing. Not great, but better than eating lunch next to that creepy guy in your office cafeteria.

7.)    Drive home with the windows open. Even if you make it back within your allotted time, people will ask questions if you return with a head of wet hair. Leaving the windows open – especially on a hot day – is like blow drying your mane.

8.)    Don’t look stoked. Again, best not to fuel rumors about the fun you just had. After all, there are a lot of jealous people out there.

9.) If needed, lie. Should someone ask you why you were late, tell them you had a noon doctor’s appointment that ran late. Then, to avoid further questioning, suggest it was for something embarrassing.

9.) Do it again. The power of surf compels you.

Photo:Candi Pemberton

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