Tell your lover what you want: Conscious communication in the bedroom

May 15, 12:40 PMSF Tantra ExaminerLuminessa Enjara

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“Communication is the best lubrication for great sex.” Isadora Alman

In my private practice with women and men the one thing that almost everyone finds difficult is asking for what they want when lovemaking. Talking about sex in general has been taboo until recently. American culture has, for the most part, said that when it comes to sex, avoiding or not speaking about it is best. This has resulted in whole generations of people finding it difficult, if not impossible, to tell their partner what turns them on.
 

This has been most detrimental for women. In our society, men have permission to have sex, enjoy sex, and ask for what they want. Men are encouraged to explore sex at an early age; so by the time they are adults they often have more confidence in asking their partner for what they like.
 

Women, on the other hand, are given the double message to look sexy but don’t enjoy sex. So we grew up confused, under the assumption men will know what we want, so why bother to actually learn about our bodies and what we like. So, many of my male clients tell me that their partner doesn’t know what they like and they expect him to know for her. Not only is she unsatisfied but he is frustrated as well. Over 80% of my male clients’ main purpose for coming to see me is to learn how to turn their woman on more and make her fee safe enough to ask for what she wants.
 

A wonderful way that you can begin to open the door to great communication and even better sex is to create a time to share what you and your partner like. Women, tell him what pleases you in lovemaking and what really turns you on.
 

To begin with always remember to create a sacred space even when just talking about what you like. Your environment really supports your intention, see my article: Tantra 101-creating sacred space, and makes it safe to speak about what you like.
 

Next, dress yourself beautifully, sensually, as if you were going on a special date with your lover as this will give you both a feeling of how special this is. You can read more on this in my article: Tantra 101: creating sensual play.

When you are sitting face to face, take a moment to look into each others eyes to breathe a bit together and then let the woman go first. Men, just be fully present at this time. One of the things women most often complain of is that even when they tell their partner what they like, he doesn’t seem to remember. So I suggest that you really be present and while she is speaking, if you are unclear ask her questions. I suggest that the woman also be very specific and actually show him right then and there what you like. How you like to be touched etc. Have him practice.
 

Most people learn through a variety of ways. Some people are visual, some auditory, and some kinesthetic. So if you incorporate a few ways to tell him what you like then he will most likely have an easier time remembering.
 

Women, after you have spoken let him speak and be fully present. Yes, men it is really okay for you to also play show and tell. Give her specific instructions on how you like to be touched, spoken to etc.
 

I suggest that you do this practice even if you are with a long-term partner. Don’t take for granted what your partner likes just because you have been doing the same thing for years and years. By opening up the conversation of “what I like”, you both may discover that you would like something new, or that you could even do something better than you have been doing.
 

Last, be playful when sharing what pleasures you. Make it fun, and demonstrate on each other what you like. This can be a great way to engage in foreplay. It doesn’t have to be oh-so-serious. It can be playful, sweet, sensual, and heartfelt.
 

Taking the time to do this as a practice will not only bring greater satisfaction and fulfillment for you both, but it will also spice up your lovemaking. Remember, communication is the best lubrication, so be generous with the lube.