Jesus returns, chooses liberal synagogue in Cincinnati

July 2, 12:15 PMSpiritual Life ExaminerRabbi Ben Kamin

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CINCINNATI—Jesus returned yesterday, landing on Mt. Adams near downtown Cincinnati.  Local NBC affiliate WLWT got to the crowded scene at the well-known Immaculata Church on Guido Street—site of the annual Good Friday pilgrimage up its eighty-nine steps to the church tower.  “The Ohio River is no Jordan,” said the Savior, “but if I showed up there, what a mess would ensue.  This is a great view, people come up here from all backgrounds, and Eden Park area nearby, with all the great groves and gazebos, doesn’t lend itself to a lot of commercialism.”

Jesus also told the assembling, rather respectful press, that he chose Eden Park because of its designation as a regional water source:  “I’m dedicating my return not to any faith or any creed but to getting you folks to realize once and for all that you are running out of water.  You yourselves are water.  My main man Moses spent forty years looking for the water in the desert—didn’t you read the book?  I can’t get him to stop grumbling up there about the way you’re wasting all the water but screaming about gasoline.”

‘Instead of already judging me, show me the way home.’

Anderson Cooper, who was in Neverland just 23 minutes prior to the arrival of Jesus in Cincinnati, now asked the Lord:  “Jesus, is Moses also black?”

“Yes, what’s the big deal?  Everybody big down here now is black.  Up there, too.  It’s about water, man, not color.”

A reporter for the Kentucky Post chimed in:  “You are, well, religious, I’m sure.  Are you going to affiliate with any church in particular?”

“Actually, not a church.  Came here because I like Temple Sholom here in Cincinnati.  Nice, quiet progressive Jewish temple in the nearby suburbs, right off the Ronald Reagan Parkway.  Not too large, not too fancy.   Not New York, not LA.”

Several reporters shouted at once:  “A Jewish temple?”

“You guys need to read the book.  I only want to be myself.  I only want everyone else to be himself or herself and not be afraid.  That’s the timeless Christian response that you interpreted from what I taught last time in Israel.  I’m a Jew, okay?  Instead of already judging me, show me the way home.”

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