Combat stress and reintegration-Personal perspective pt 2

October 16, 7:10 PMMilitary Health ExaminerKaren Estrada

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“What was it like over there?”  This is one of the very few questions my daughter-in-law has ever asked my son when he’s returned home, even after four deployments.

“Even if I try to explain, you don’t have the context in which to understand what is ‘was’ like over there”, his reply.

In a very simplistic sense, it is sort of like a person who lives on the east coast trying to understand what it must be like to experience an earthquake, or someone from the west coast trying to understand what it must be like to experience a major hurricane. Both lack the context needed to fully understand these experiences unless they were to to go through them personally.  

Every time I see the commercial about ‘starting a conversation’, my eyes tear up.  Each family will develop their own ways of communicating with their soldier but for families who are just beginning this journey or need some guidance it is good there are sources such as supportyourvet.org or people who have been through this experience and willing to discuss it with others. 

Before each deployment I have said to my son “Do whatever it is you need to do  … in order to protect yourself and your men, without guilt or feeling what you have to do in these circumstances is ‘bad’ or that you are a bad person!” When he has redeployed, I have told him “You did what you needed to do… in order to protect yourself and your men, you should have absolutely no feelings of guilt or feel that you are a ‘bad’ person because of the things you had to do!”  We (those of us with children in the military) did not raise our sons or daughters to be psychopathic killers unlike the enemy who begins the indoctrination of their children even in the womb with messages of hate and destruction toward those ideologically opposed to what they believe are the only truths. 

When my son and his family came to visit after his last deployment, he came out to the kitchen while I was preparing dinner just to hang out and help me throw stuff into the spaghetti sauce. I knew he had things he wanted to say but I also knew I needed to wait until he was ready to say them. We have a close relationship so even if he doesn’t say much … or anything at all … it’s ok. He has told each of us bits and pieces about his experiences both good and bad. He understands that none of us will ever judge him, we know who he is as a human being and what is in his heart.  These are the things, we as his family try to reinforce. Each of us, in our own way have told him there is nothing he can tell us that will change how much we love him or how much he means to us. I know we cannot ‘sugar coat’ or just wipe away the feelings of guilt, remorse or fear that come from the experiences during deployment nor do we claim to 'know' what he experienced, we don't. Personally, I have learned through my own life there are some experiences or feelings we may never completely forget or rid ourselves of so we have to learn how to ‘co exist’ with them and not allow them to lead us down a path less desirable but instead lead ‘them’ along with us to a path of our choosing.   

Even with our close relationship and ‘years of deployments/redeployments’ … there are times when I don’t say the right thing. Usually, my son will either change the subject or give an obtuse response, either way I ‘get it’ and just leave it be.

Combat stress and reintegration issues are far more difficult and complex for a spouse or significant other because they are the closest to their soldier. It is not uncommon for a couple to go through a ‘transition’ period or even to experience difficulties. It is important (difficult at times) to understand their behavior is not personally directed at you. They may appear distant or detached, want to spend more time with their buddies, or have less patience. This is the ‘battle mind’ they had to develop before the deployment and it just doesn’t automatically 'shut off’ the minute the plane lands when they return home. If your relationship has always been a strong one, it is important then to remember the love you have for one another and trust you will both get through it together. If you ever feel threatened in any way, then you must put yourself where you are safe. That does not mean though to give up. I have a saying that says ‘no one sleeps underneath your bed’, meaning that nobody knows your relationship better than you. There are times even the ‘well intentioned’ give advice which can end up leaving you even more confused. We all know everybody has an opinion….but it is up to you to decide with whom you can confide. It is important that you have support as long as it is constructive and helpful.

Both my son’s wives are amazing, strong young women. For better or worse (marriage vows), each has sacrificed in many ways but would never trade their lives for anything in the world. When I remind my sons of this …. they both give me a mischievous grin but nod their head in agreement. Marriages and relationships too have ‘battle minds’ that you both can draw on to get through the transitions.

Resources:

Starting the Conversation

Keep conversations light.

Take the lead.

Acknowledge the "elephant in the room."

Understand what they want.

Encourage them to talk to others.

Source: IAVA Support your vet: Starting the conversation. http://supportyourvet.org/node/603 [Accessed 15 Oct 2009].

Emotional Cycle of Deployment:

Pre-deployment to re-deployment & post deployment

MyHooah4Health-Family Matters http://www.hooah4health.com/deployment/familymatters/emotionalcycle.htm [Accessed 15 Oct 2009].

See Also: Combat Stress & Integration Pt 1