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Live from Hollywood: it’s the Roman Polanski Telethon!
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Free Roman (so the LA County Jail prisoners can have him) - AP Photo
Announcer: ‘Ladies and gentlemen… in the spirit of past Hollywood cause celebs - such as flying around the world burning Co2 to tell the little people about the hazards of global warming - we welcome you to the "First Annual Roman Polanski Telethon!"
Joining us tonight are more than 100 celebrities – some of whom used to have careers (Debra Winger waves from the wings) – who have gathered to right a decades-long injustice perpetrated against one of the most talented filmmakers to ever mix Quaaludes and champagne, Roman Polanski!
But first we go to the scene outside the theater where Mary Kay Letourneau is covering the action. Mary Kay is reporting live on her back and sprawled across the red carpet waiting for the boys from Hollywood High. She may even interview a few men who are over 18. Mary, are you there?’
Mary Kay: ‘Thanks, Announcer Guy… remind me again how old you are?’
(Mary smiles, winks at the camera, and slaps Trey Smith on the ass as Will and Jada and family walk by, regretting they made dinner reservations at the posh restaurant next door)
‘The excitement is palpable, Announcer Guy. Hundreds of celebrities have gathered tonight to honor this marvelous genius. Polanksi’s brilliance was never more evident than in “Rosemary’s Baby”, but it certainly shone just as brightly when the award-winning director was able to avoid prosecution for this heinous molestation.
Has anyone seen Nick Jonas, Angus T. Jones or Malcolm David Kelley?
Anyway, back inside the theater we go… please welcome your host for this evening, a man with no reputation left for ruining, Woody Allen!’
(Allen walks to center stage as Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” booms from the sound system)
Woody: ‘Good evening, America. Many of you know me from highly successful films such as “Annie Hall” and “Hannah and Her Sisters”. But even more of you know me as the dirty old man who married his step-daughter.
And although Roman didn’t follow my advice and marry the underage girl he forced to have sex with him, I was chosen to host this event thanks to my undying support of men everywhere who happen to enjoy their “Lolita” moments.
As I said in the movie “Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)”: “Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.” And ladies and gentlemen, combining forced oral, vaginal and anal sex into one session is the textbook definition of right.
Now, please join me in welcoming to the stage, R&B sensation R. Kelly!’
(Kelly strolls center stage to the soft sounds of Sam Cooke’s “Only 16”)
R. Kelly: ‘Before we ask America to contribute to the Polanski Candy Fund, I just wanted to ask Woody one question: is Miley Cyrus going to be here tonight?’
Woody: ‘Thanks, um, R. Our next guests know a thing or thirty about persecution, having been targeted by the vast right-wing conspiracy and a couple of amateurish filmmakers. Give a round of applause to the folks from ACORN.’
(A group of ACORN workers, representing both east and west coast offices, walk across the stage accompanied by The Who’s “Fiddle About”)
ACORN spokeperson: ‘Hell yeah, Guatemala in da house. Woot! Thanks, Woody. Roman, we all make mistakes, and apparently your biggest mistake was not registering for our Community Underage No-jail Team, or CUN…’
Woody: ‘Uh, er… t-t-t-hank you, ACORN…’
ACORN spokesperson (being dragged from the stage with an old vaudevillian hook): ‘Remember, Roman, don’t say you sexually exploited a child, just classify your profession as a “Doctor of Pre-Pubescent Anatomy… bury the money in a tin, Roman… beware of punk-ass, white-boy pimps, Rooomaaaannn…’
Voice over: Remember, America, even if you can only spare one thin dollar to help free Roman, you’ll sleep better at night knowing your daughter may one day get a chance to star in a future Polanski epic. Please give generously; fugitive child rapists are people too.
Woody: ‘Thanks for that important public service announcement. Now, back to the show! So give it up for Kanye West!’
(Kanye spins, dances and shows his smooth moves, making his way to the dais as Mudhoney’s “She’s Just 15” rocks in the background)
Kanye: Thanks, Woody… “Yeah, you know, obviously, you know, I deal with hurt and, you know, so many, you know, celebrities, they never take the time off, and George Bush hates black people…”
Allen leans in and whispers in Kanye’s ear…
'Oh, right, thanks Woody… George Bush hates Beyonce’s video…'
Allen leans in again...
'Oh, right, thanks again, Woody… you know, I just, music after music and tour after tour on tour, and I'm just ashamed that my hurt caused someone else's hurt.’
Woody: ‘Thanks, Kanye… I think.’
Kanye: ‘George Bush hates Roman Polanski.’
Woody: ‘Before we go to break, let’s take a moment to remember the great Michael Jackson, tragically taken from us earlier this year. Few things meant more to Michael than children, and we know with all our heart that he would be here tonight – with Jesus Juice for all - if he weren’t dead.’
(Donny Osmond’s "Go Away Little Girl" plays softly over video highlights of children playing innocently at Neverland… Woody Allen, tears streaming down his face, bows his head slowly, and reminds the viewing audience to please “give until it hurts”)
God knows the then-13-year-old victim of Polanski’s not rape-rape, Samantha Geimer, sure did.
Woody: ‘Coming up after the break we’ll have special appearances by Whoopi-Whoopi Goldberg, Joey Buttafuoco, and Jerry Lee Lewis. So don’t touch that dial (unless it’s wearing a training bra)’…
(and the screen fades to black…)
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