Unpaid internships: The twenty-something’s gateway drug

September 26, 5:36 PMPortland Twenty-Something ExaminerAli Reingold

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Unpaid internships are the hallmark of your twenties. You scramble to beat out your peers for one, and you relish the chance to do something productive while being financially ignored. You secretly and desperately wish you were being paid for it, but there’s something oh so appealing about telling someone, with a twinkle in your eye, “Oh, I have an unpaid internship at ______.” Because that’s an immediate signal that you’re intelligent and devoted and above elitist things like money, see? I even heard about someone who paid the organization/company/whatever it was for the opportunity to work for them for free. Crazy, right? Approach the unpaid internship with caution - it can lead to other, more harmful things, just as gateway drugs lead to other, more dangerous drugs. If you’re not careful, an internship can bring about something serious, like a real career, or porn.

Yes, you read that right. Porn. Here’s an example from my very own true life. I recently acquired an unpaid internship at the Portland Mercury, a fine weekly newspaper that combines fierce reporting, a healthy dose of irreverence, and the courage to use obscenity liberally (and with gusto!). It is an entertaining yet informative read, and as a doe-eyed young intern, I was excited to experience the world of publishing, improve my writing, and meet some good honest newspaper folk.

Then this happened:

My supervisor informed me yesterday that my assignment was to go through a collection of DVDs the Mercury had received as contest submissions, making sure they all worked and that there were no duds. Fair enough. Except that the contest in question was HUMP! - the premier amateur porn festival of the northwest. So imagine my surprise when I popped in the first DVD and the first thing on the screen was - well, I won’t go into details for the sake of our younger readers. Let’s just say the image induced a reaction of simultaneous shock, disgust, amusement, and embarrassment, and I immediately burst out laughing and threw my hands over my face. Thus it was that I found myself at my desk, viewing about twenty videos of amateur porn, while my innocence slipped away, leaving behind an emotionally violated and weary woman where once had sat an exuberant and virtuous girl. That, friends, is what an unpaid internship could do to you.

For the record, I found the whole thing both funny and enlightening. I learned that I don’t really like watching porn, and that’s good to know. And the truth is, I’m enjoying the internship. I’m already total BFFs with everyone there (right guys? right?), and I occasionally get to do things like watch documentaries that are in no way porn-related or write about something similarly porn-free. And you know that post-college feeling of emptiness and restlessness, and how you’re suddenly without all the activities that kept you busy at the old alma mater? An internship is a good way to fix that. Even if it’s unpaid, it’s better than what you would normally be doing with that time, namely, sitting in your pajamas snacking and wasting time on the internet. With an internship, you can sit around and waste time on the internet in clothes - a vast improvement.

And, as I mentioned earlier, an internship can lead not just to porn, but to a real career. It might not lead directly there, but it can at least help you decide whether or not a particular field is the one you want to pursue for the rest of your life. Dolores has gotten around in the internship world in Portland, and let me tell you, she’s becoming an expert at sitting in a cubicle and doing research.... which might not be exactly what she wants to do forever, but she’s meeting all kinds of important people and making connections, and it wouldn’t surprise me if she takes over the city in say, ten years. I’d vote for her, anyway (and you should, too! Vote Dolores in 2020!).

But I digress. The point is, your twenties are for figuring things out, and internships help you do that. Get one if you can, and if it’s paid, even better. I won’t hold it against you if you manage to finagle a full-out job, either. You just might not get to watch the porn DVDs. And then you’d be missing out.

With tactful and non-sexual love,
Your Portland Twenty-something

PS. I know you were all hoping for and expecting Dolores' guest article this time, but she's off being a delinquent in Kansas. Her article about the Pendleton Round-Up will appear shortly, so please be patient.