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Embracing the single status
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I've been reading The Challenge of Being Single. Originally published in 1974, there are still a lot of valid points about how singlehood is not embraced by our culture. The title, however, is a bit misleading as this is not a self-help book, nor does it encourage the reader to couple.
It's easy to focus on the challenges of being a single parent, but I've not only come to accept it. I embrace my single motherhood. Here's just a sampling of why I love being a single mother.
Sole legal custody. No one can argue or overrule the decisions that I make regarding my children. No one undermines my position in front of my children.
Time to myself. Yes, I work full-time and have my hands full with the girls and our nightly to-do list, but after 9 pm (my oldest daughter's bedtime), my time is my own. No one is fighting me for the remote, or asking for attention, nurturing, or anything else from me after their bedtime. I cherish my me-time now.
Friends. From fellow single parents to people that tell me, "I don't know how you do it," to friends that only talk to me about non-child issues, I cherish my friends and the time we get to spend together. I've also learned to accept their help (financial or emotional) when it's offered. And I can have all the 'girls' nights out' I want! Yes, human connection is important, but the value of friendship is often minimized compared to the value of coupling. Coupling works for many, but for many, it does not. I consider myself lucky that I have such kind, funny, and very dear friends.
My mistakes are my own. No one but me gets down on me for any mistakes I may be making along the way, and it's up to me and me alone to fix them.
The victories are ours alone. I know I can't take credit for everything my children do well, but they look to me for praise and confidence, and I give it. The smiles they give, the polite manner they display in public, when they shine, that's due to what I've done for them. Our family snuggles never feel as if someone is missing.
I can make a fool of myself. I dance in my living room, I talk to myself (crack myself up sometimes), and sing a song that I have no business singing without anyone else's commentary (when the kids aren't around, of course).
I always get to pick the movie. Whether it's from my Netflix queue, or I'm planning a night out with friends, I only go if it's something I want to see.
I live in a great city with much to explore. Living in L.A. may be expensive, but I love it. I love our weather, I love taking my kids to the El Capitan, Santa Monica Pier, the Pantages, Griffith Park, the Hollywood Bowl. Without the kids, there are tons of great restaurants, comedy clubs, bars, and theatres to enjoy with one or 15 friends.
My life is my own. Well, as much as any mother can say that! I've learned that life can be full with my kids, my family, my friends, and myself. I've learned that loneliness, like any emotion, is something that passes. And the less I've tried to fight it, the more I've come to not only accept but embrace life without a partner. I doubt I'll ever marry again, and that thought no longer terrifies me. I know it is a full life that I have.
It takes a while to grieve the loss that comes with divorce, and there are still moments that it's hard, but I am less lonely now than I was in my marriage when I thought I had something I never really did. Once I went though that mourning period, I learned to accept my life as it is, starting with one day at a time. Now I can think about next month or next year and accept that I most likely will still be without a partner. But never alone.
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