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When the ex-other doesn't want to be an ex
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When you enter into a new relationship, there is always a past to be left behind and a new future to be focused upon. Unfortunately, for some couples, the past has a difficult time remaining in the past and keeps rearing its ugly head at the couple trying to move forward with their life. So what happens when the ex doesn't want to be out of the picture? Whether it's yours or his, what happens when the dreaded ex just keeps coming back after the encore has already been denied? Do you remain polite or do the claws come out? If you show any kind of emotional reaction, will it scare him/her away? As odd as it may seem, this is a more common problem than I initially thought it would be. Not only have I seen it in countless couples (and when I say countless, I do mean countless), but I have witnessed it full blown in my own relationship. So, I got to thinking about how I handled it when M's ex-girlfriend kept trying to push me out and herself back into his arms. Was I wrong to say nothing and allow M to deal with her all by himself? Should I have stepped in and say, "Nothing to see here, move along." Or should have strapped on my big girl panties, high heels, and Super Girl cape and shot at her faster than a speeding bullet? When dealing with an ex that just doesn't want to be an ex, what do you do?
When M and I first began dating, his ex-girlfriend would not leave us alone. She continued to call him and send him text messages begging him to come back. Believe me, I heard and read some of what she said and sent; not the work of someone who shouldn't be an ex. When I first realized what she was doing, I was so completely consumed with anger that this woman would not back off. She reminded me of the character Janice on "Friends;" no matter what was going on, at the oddest of times, Janice would pop up and literally make your skin crawl. No offense intended, but M's ex had that same ability. Just when you thought it was safe to turn your cell phone back on, its the attack of the pursuing ex-girlfriend from hell!
Ladies hide your boyfriends! Women cover up those husbands!
Then I got past my anger. Of course, this was after M had his cell phone number changed. But then I got to thinking: is it so shocking that a woman is pursuing M in this way? I mean I love him, why shouldn't someone else care so deeply for him. But then thinking like this only mad me angrier and reminded me of that old saying that if you truly love someone, you should want to see him/her happy. M was happy, so why was the ex continuing her battle. Shortly after we were married, I received an email from her stating that M was really in love with her, and that eventually, M was going to realize this and leave me. To this day, we don't know how she got my email address.
When M offered to send her a reply back, asking her to leave us alone, I stepped in. I basically just told him to let it go. I knew it wasn't true and that we should just ignore it. Replying back would only make her think she had struck a nerve with him and keep her pursuit alive. Thankfully enough, we did ignore the emails (note: the plural form), and she eventually stopped.
When relationships break up, it's difficult--for both sides normally. And it's healthy to be sad and upset about the loss that one may have because of the relationship's end, but is it healthy to keep holding on while he/she has moved on? Why do some feel it is necessary to make their presence still felt once the relationship is over and the other has found someone else? Is it the idea of the pursuit? The chase? The need for proof that that person still cares about you no matter what? And when we're the ones caught in the middle of the relationship show-down, how are we supposed to act? Are we supposed to chalk it up to an old flame that's still burning for that ex; don't worry, they'll get over it...eventually. Or are we supposed to revert back to the cat fights of yesteryear and claw each other's eyes out?
Maybe not every situation has the same answer. There are days when I would still love to take a swing at M's ex...just once...just long enough to give her a slightly blacker eye. And there are the other days...the days when I know completely how blessed I am to have been given my relationship with M. On those days, I actually feel sorry for her. Not in a malicious way, but in a "maybe she'll find what we have one day"...and finally leave us alone.
For more information, go to the Examiner.com
Comments? Questions? Email Laura at relationships.lauramoran@gmail.com
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