Helping young children deal with divorce - Jon & Kate or not

July 9, 8:18 AMEarly Childhood Parenting ExaminerAngele Sionna

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Jon and Kate Gosselin and their 8 children (AP Photo/TLC, Michael Pilla)

Divorce has been big news lately with reality TV stars Jon and Kate Gosselin announcing that they're calling it quits. The couple has eight children and together they all star in TLC's Jon and Kate Plus 8 TV show.

Jon and Kate or not, divorce happens every day to all types and sizes of families and no matter who you are it can be hard on kids of all ages.

I asked several experts for some advice on helping kids deal with divorce... and parents too. Here are their thoughts...

Examiner: How do you tell your kids that you're getting divorced?

Tina B. Tessina, LMFT, PhD and author of several books on relationships and divorce offers these guidelines for telling your children:

• If at all possible, both of you tell the children together.
• Remember, for them divorce is the death of the family that kept them safe; so be appropriately serious.
• Don’t tell them how much fun it will be. For them, it’s a lie.
• If you make any promises, be sure you can keep them. They’ve had enough broken promises already.
• Explain that you’re going to be living apart, and what the child custody arrangement will be.
• Tell them clearly it wasn’t their fault, and take responsibility for your failure.

Examiner: How do you deal with a divorce when the child or children involved is under two years old?

Jeanne Cummings, Ph.D, Carolina Mountain Psychiatry: When children are this small, the major problems come from the change in routine. Keeping things the same as much as possible in terms of schedule and routine helps. Having a blankie that smells like mom that can go with baby to dad’s (if dad has left the family home) can also help. Children this age needs little explanation—too many words can be confusing. 

Lori Mattison of Mattison Resources, a therapist who specializes in divorce: Have two stuffed animals - Mom and Dad for child. When child is with one parent, have child kiss or hug other stuffed animal. Have parent not there tell child when returns felt hug/kiss and also sent hugs/kisses. Both parents need to on board for this.

Dr Joseph Cilona, Manhattan-based clinical psychologist: Children under two will often notice differences in parent’s mood and emotionality.  Between one and two years old they will be aware if one parent is no longer living at home.  Parents may notice disruptions in eating habits, and typical sleeping patterns, and other routine behaviors.  It may also be notably more difficult to comfort and soothe children of this age when crying and upset. Parents should put special emphasis on maintaining normal daily routines and activities. Increasing the usual frequency of reassuring words and behaviors like positive attention and affection can also be helpful. Special attention should also be given to known comfort objects and activities like stuffed animals, blankets, songs, videos, and foods.

Examiner: What changes when the child is 3 - 5 years old?

Cummings: This group has much more trouble. They often hate having to go back and forth between homes [parents need to be prepare for this both going and coming and NOT take it as a reflection personally or against the other parent] and are likely to get very anxious about the breakup of the family. Avoiding adult explanations is important. Explaining that sometimes grown-ups have problems that they cannot work out and that they have to live away from each other is a good approach. It is important to say that the parents each love the child and will remain an active parent (if true). It is important for parents to shield the children from the adult conflict, to allow the child to retain and express love for the other parent and to hold onto their child hopes that reunification can occur. However, the parent should not say that this is likely to happen. Instead, the parent can say. ‘I know that you’d really like that” or “You really love both mommy and daddy” is best.

Cilona: Parents may notice a regression in learned behaviors like eating skills, speaking, and potty training or re-emergence of behaviors that were resolved like thumb sucking or difficulty dressing.  Children in this age range may also show anger toward one or both parents or have anxiety or irritability when separating from parents.  Some children may have sleep disturbances such as fear of sleeping alone or nightmares. Spending more time than is usual with children of this age can often diminish detrimental effects, as can placing more emphasis on giving verbal reassurances and expression of love, concern, and affection.

Examiner: What about in elementary school when they can understand much more?

Cilona: Children of this age are usually able to have a good understanding of what it means not to be married anymore and that parents may not have feelings of love for each other as they did in the past.  There may be a strong tendency for children of this age to blame themselves and feel they are in some way responsible for the divorce. Worry and anxiety may become evident. Nightmares may occur.  Anger and aggression may begin to become problematic. Children may also develop elaborate fantasies about things returning to the way they were and parents getting back together. It is vital that parents clearly, specifically, and repeatedly reassure children that they are not to blame or the cause of the divorce. They should be encouraged to speak about their feelings and opinions related to the divorce, and especially to feel comfortable asking questions. Parents should also be careful to be clear that divorce is final and that things will not go back they way they were in the past. 

Cummings: Parents should recognize that it is HARD to have two homes and cut the child some slack about forgetting things or wanting to spend an an occasional extra night at one home or the other. This will be especially true as sleepovers and birthday parties become more important. 

Mattison: Let school know of divorce. Ask school psychologist for meeting both with parents and one with child and parents. Talk about how the child sees divorce in relationship to friends and help child with ways to tell friends
when ready. Social connections are very important at this age, and children do not want to feel different. Anger is a common theme with children in this age group. Let the child express anger but also do not allow it to control the family. Children are very manipulative at this age. Still enforce rules and encourage child to feel spectrum of emotions.

Examiner: For the parents - tips on handling the emotions that come along with divorce without worrying the children.

Cilona: Children are incredibly perceptive.  When serious marital discord erupts, the most important thing to avoid is lying or pretending that there are not problems.  It is much more damaging to children of all ages to be forced to cope with this kind of charade than to simply face the fact that parents are having conflict and even considering divorce. Lying and pretending sends a clear message that it is not acceptable for children to ask questions or to express difficult feelings about parental conflict such as fear, anger, and anxiety.  It also increases the likelihood that children create their own answers to questions they might have, which can often be much more disturbing than the actual reality. 

Examiner: Is it ok to let them see you cry?

Mattison: It is ok for children to see you cry. It is not ok to break-down and not be a parent and maintain your responsibilities. Parents need to remain in parent roles and when cry can say to child they are sad over divorce. Words/things NOT to say to children - depressed, overwhelmed, confused, not sure how to live life without Mom/Dad, broke, sick want to kill your Mom/Dad, blaming x, dedicated my whole life to , money (right way and wrong way). Basically saying your sad or miss that person is fine. Always think, would I want my child to be at their friend's house and hear this from another parent, remember a child's cognitive ability does not develop fully till early twenties. Too much information without the coping skills is
damaging.

Examiner: What about divorce like that of reality stars Jon and Kate, who have 8 children?

Cilona: With regard to the effects on children of seeing parental issues played out on reality TV, the children are likely to be vulnerable to negative effects of parental marriage conflicts aired on television.  For younger children, the need for the feeling of safety, security, and predictability is vital for general well-being and healthy development.   Feeling safe and secure is often very closely tied to children’s perception of stability in the parent’s relationship.  Witnessing marital discord and conflict on television can severely undermine these important needs in young children. It can incite fear, uncertainty, anxiety, and even undermine self-esteem and the ability to trust, particularly if the child is not exposed to or aware of any conflict prior to viewing things on television. 

Older children tend to be less impacted by the need for perceived comfort and safety, however they are often extremely sensitive to the judgment of peers and have very strong needs around feeling accepted and esteemed.  Things aired about parents on television that are viewed as negative, demeaning, humiliating, or embarrassing can also undermine esteem and negatively impact their peer relationships.

Examiner: Any addition tips when you have such a large family?

Mattison: Large families are not immune to the same struggles for a family with one or two children. Usually in large families, children take adult rules too soon especially under stress of divorce. In a reality family, the disruption maybe more intense due to embarrassment - ie child does not get to choose when to tell friends, its out there. In this case, the children's' behavior may regress to child like coping - sucking thumbs, hitting more, tantrums, loss of sleep, irritability, crossing established rules, acting out in school, loss of bodily functions ( wetting bed, missing toilet) Children do this unconsciously in hopes of returning family back in time. In other words, i f act like did before happened then won't happen and every thing will stay the same. (These behavior changes may happen in families of all sizes). Play therapy and professionally are keys to guide children to express emotions they may not understand.)