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Divorce and games children inadvertently play
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I am certain you have all heard the expression “Children learn what they live”. It is an age old warning to parents that children role model your behaviors. To that end, of course, the same applies to children going through divorce. Of significance, is the reality that children frequently “scan” their parents’ feelings throughout the divorce process. They do this, because they are looking for a form of “reassurance” from you that things will be okay.
My prior article Divorce and the games parents play sets out the games parents play. Knowing this, keeping this in mind and in check, will also help minimize the games your child plays.
Kids First sets out the following four games children play throughout a divorce.
I’ll Be on Your Side if You Give me What I Want
Children sometimes tell a parent what the other parent has given them or the places the other parent has taken them to try to gain similar advantages from that parent. Children sometimes tell a parent the grievances they have about the other parent to make that parent play into their hands.
Parents need to realize that children are not always accurate reporters and that they do try to manipulate situations to their advantage.
But Mom (or Dad) Said Yes
This game also is played by children to get their own way at the expense of one of the parents. Children know the kinds of events or activities that one parent may allow but not the other. This game particularly works well if the parent who allows the activity is outside the home. The children enlist that parent’s support and if the other parent says no, children drop the bombshell – ‘but dad/mom said it would be OK’. This also works when parents have different rules or responsibilities for the children.
If possible, divorced parents should continue to try to present a united front to children and try to determine the position the other parent may take. Children need to know that while each parent may have different rules, the rules of the household in which they are residing when an issue arises should be followed.
Blackmail
Children may try to manipulate a parent when they are feeling threatened by change or want their own way. Children may tell a parent they won’t visit or they will go and live with the other parent if the parent has a new girlfriend/boyfriend, is going to remarry, tells the children they can’t do something, or disciplines the children.
If this game is not brought to a halt, children gain power over the parent. Children need to understand that there are rules and consequences for broken rules and that parents have to get on with their lives, too.
I’ll Get Even With You
Children rarely understand the motivation and consequences for this game as they do for the other divorce games they play. Children sometimes display hurt and anger by acting differently from ways they behaved before. Some children may be withdrawn or act violently toward themselves or others. Sometimes the child at home may be different from the at-school child.
Parents who are understanding and have good communication with children may be able to address the problems and help children resolve the feelings of hurt and anger. Some children may need professional help and should be involved in counseling.
Kids First also provides a very insightful conclusive paragraph to this piece by stating, in part:
The adjustments required in post-divorce relationships are never easy, for divorce is one of life’s most stressful events for everyone involved.
* * *
If grieving parents lose their ability to consider their children’s needs, everyone suffers. It is hard enough to raise children when parents are together and getting along well; it is much more difficult when divorced parents are having problems talking with each other.
The article cautions us, generally, about the reality of the fragility of our children as we travel down our divorce path and reminds us, often we need to put aside our needs for the sake of our children throughout this arduous process.
My next article will highlight the “rights” of children throughout a divorce by featuring the “Children’s Bill of Rights” in Divorce.
“While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about.” ~ Angela Schwindt.
Visit Corinne’s recently launched relationship recovery website: www.booksonrelationships.net.
To view Corinne’s articles, in their entirety, visit “Corinne’s Home Page” @ www.Examiner.com.
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