Call of Duty should really do some other wars

November 5, 1:27 PMPittsburgh Video Game ExaminerEric Keihl

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"Press X to stare vacantly into the middle distance"

Like pretty much everyone else who hasn't yet suffered a debilitating cerebral hemorrhage, I'm a fan of Infinity Ward's Call of Duty series and it's polished brand of FPS gameplay. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it's one of the most consistently excellent series of games I've ever played, to the point where I can think of only one thing wrong with the series: its gameplay only covers World War II and the current Middle Eastern conflicts. This isn't a big deal or anything, but as a student of history I have to admit that such a narrow focus does bug me a little. After all, human beings have been removing each other's organs with things for well nigh on 200,000 years now, and there's no shortage of juicy wars one could turn into an awesome game. For example...

Dawn of Man Edition (ca. 200,000 BCE)

"Control one your primitive ancestors as they play a non-stop, deadly game of capture-the-flag! Mercilessly thwack your simian brethren into unconsciousness with your paws, and pilfer their invaluable caches of rocks and twigs while defending your own! But make sure to keep an eye out for the game's only powerup: an eerie and profoundly alien black monolith that grants you the insight to use the femur of a prehistoric tapir-like creature as a club, allowing you to lay waste to all those that oppose you!"

Middle Ages Edition (ca. 900 CE)

"Live the exciting life of a conscripted serf, helplessly embroiled in the petty disputes of your feudal masters! Get hauled forcibly from your tiny patch of land, wield your trusty old pitchfork as a makeshift weapon, and poke ineffectually at nobles in full suits of plate armor as they ride you down on thousand-pound war horses! Then, after escaping capture by hiding under a pile of corpses, make the long journey on foot back to the manor, where you'll find your crops burned, your wife beheaded, and your children devoured by wild badgers. Not only is this game fun; it also teaches the youth of today a valuable lesson: don't be poor!"

Revolutionary War Edition (1775 - 1783 CE)

"Feel the patriotic adrenaline rush of fighting alongside the gallant Massachusetts militia during the battle of Concord, the first victory on the road to American independence. Show your courage by hiding behind a tree and firing off a quick potshot into a thickly bunched mass of redcoats, then spend 20 heart-pounding seconds performing a complicated quick-time-based reloading procedure! Later, you'll jump forward a few years and huddle together with your fellow freedom fighters (in a totally platonic way) to keep warm in the sub-freezing temperatures of Valley Forge, Pennsylvania! You'll even take a trip inside your own body, and control your T-cells as they try to ward off typhus, smallpox, and various other contagious diseases ravaging the camp. If this heart-stopping thrill ride doesn't make you love America, then nothing will!"

Civil War Edition (1861-1865 CE)

"Pick your side in the conflict that pitted brother against brother! Take control of a loyal son of a Union senator on a harrowing journey to your local post office, where you'll boldly pay your $300 commutation fee to dodge enlistment. Or, if your sympathies lie with the South, play as a rugged Confederate soldier and live the glory of Pickett's Charge firsthand, experiencing the thrills of running (without stopping to shoot, of course!) in bare feet across a mile of open ground while under constant cannon and musket fire! And if you're one of the lucky few who survive that gallant attack, you'll play a fun mini-game where you try your darndest keep from screaming as your gangrenous leg is sawed off by an underqualified surgeon without the benefit of anesthetic! This is the part of the Civil War that Ken Burns didn't want you to see...  the totally awesome part!"

Anglo-Zanzibar War Edition (9:02 AM - 9:40 AM (EAT,) August 27th, 1896 CE)

"Imagine the fun of experiencing both the beginning and the end of an entire war in in real time! Imagine the thrill of being a sailor aboard the HMS Thrush, bombarding a (wooden) palace full of women and children from a safe distance with cannon fire, laughing heartily and singing a merry sea shanty with your crewmates as the treacherous islanders burn alive! Imagine the joy you'll feel at seeing a sultan marginally more disposed toward British interests installed on the Zanzibari throne, an event which will almost surely go down as one of the key turning points in history! Truly, this a game which no sane person can help but enjoy!"

World War I Edition (1914-1918 CE)

"In his timeless novel All Quiet on the Western Front, novelist Erich Maria Remarque portrayed the Great War as a pointless and dehumanizing endeavor which brought only suffering and death to the world... but that's only because he never got to play this game! It's the ultimate test of your endurance: spending up to four straight days with almost no sleep inside a narrow, muddy trench, listening helplessly to the constant whistling of enemy artillery... staring into the terrible maw of madness itself and trying your best not to blink or cry as the shells scream and the bullets fly and the wounded cry out in vain for mercy in that forgotten no man's land between the two lines and the very ground beneath your feet seems on the verge of tearing itself apart in protest against the futility of existence... Fun for the whole family!"