A poker dealer's wishlist

June 6, 4:19 PMWichita Poker ExaminerChristie Masters

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As a general rule, I really enjoy my job as a poker dealer. Sometimes, though, certain behaviors from players can really throw a wrench into my day. When some of those behaviors happen repeatedly, I tend to get a little cranky. It has recently come to my attention, however, that it’s not really fair to get upset if I haven’t openly and honestly expressed my feelings. (I heard that on Dr. Phil, and if he says it, it must be right.)  So, without further adieu, here is every poker dealer’s wish list regarding desired poker-player behavior.

• Most of my income is derived from your tokes, so please tip! And just so you know, when I push you a pot and say “nice hand,” I really mean it. If I say it a second or third time, I mean “Hey, how about a tip?” 
• Pay attention. If you have to listen to your iPod, please remain aware enough to know when it’s your turn to act. And I think I can safely speak for the rest of the table -- unless you’re Adam Lambert, please don’t sing along out loud. 
• Give me a clear hand signal (no, not that one!) when you check, or at least say “check” loud enough for me to hear it. If you say it too softly, are looking over your shoulder at the TV when you say it, or say it with your mouth full of cheeseburger, it’s possible I won’t hear or understand you.
• Speaking of hand signals, a miniscule movement of your pinky finger toward the table is not sufficient. If you don’t have enough energy to actually lift your hand a couple of inches and tap the table, perhaps it’s time to head home and take a nap.
• I know it’s super fun to flip chips up in the air, but if you can’t do it without sending them flying across the table, please refrain from doing so at all. 
• If you miss your flush draw on the river, don’t yell at me. Conversely, if I deal your opponent their only out on the river, it’s not my fault. If I knew how to manipulate cards, I probably wouldn’t be working here. I’d be …. Well, I’d probably be in jail.
• Again, I speak for the rest of the table as well as myself: take a shower every once in a while. If this is too much to ask, at least don’t sit in the 1 or 10 seats. I need to be able to maintain my concentration so I can run the game.
• Speaking of personal hygiene, clean your ears and pick your nose somewhere else. Seriously. 
• Wait your turn. Don’t fold or call before the action is on you. It’s my responsibility to make sure the game runs smoothly. When you’re folding or raising to $100 before the three people before you have had a chance to act, it causes problems for me and the other players. 
• Don’t turn your cards face up when you muck if players are still in the hand, no matter how good or bad the cards are, or how badly you want everyone to see them. (NOTE: Most of the other players don’t really care about your cards anyway. I’m just saying.)
• Don’t slow roll. If someone calls you, show your cards or muck them. No one wants to wait while you play chicken with your opponent. 
• Don’t “help” me with side pots or chip counting. I’m sure you have the best of intentions, but when I’m counting and doing math in my head, it’s very distracting to have three or four players assaulting me with numbers and/or instructions. 
• Be respectful of me and the other players. I know what it’s like to lose a big hand, especially when some donkey calls your preflop raise with 5-9 and ends up beating your pocket kings. I’ve been there. It really, really sucks. Get up and take a break if you need to, but please don’t take your frustrations out on me and everyone else at the table. 
• Remember, I’m human. Smile, say hello when you sit down, or at the very least acknowledge me when I speak to you. 
• Did I mention I work for tips?

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