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What would eight tiny reindeer--and Rudoph--drive?
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We’ve already been told what Santa would drive, but perhaps the bigger question is, what would the reindeer drive? No doubt they’ve worked out a good contract, after all these years having free agent status, free to get jobs as, oh, hat racks or as star attractions at a local petting zoo. They are miniature reindeer, of course.Anyway, what would the reindeer drive? Taking our clue from their names, we’ve determined the reindeer’s rides when they’re not hitched to a miniature sleigh:
Dasher! Obviously the poor relations of the reindeer set, having invested in a Ponzi scheme that went bad and reduced him to driving an old Volkswagen, the Dasher, built from 1974 to 1981, the worst of the smog controls poor driveability ear. The only dash in the Dasher was in front of the driver, not in the way the car moved. How this guy wound up on the pole position we’ll never know.
Dancer! Dancer, on the other hand, would drive something light—literally—on its feet, with great balance and all the right moves. Square dance, modern dance, the boogaloo, or anything but break. What else but a Lotus Elise? Not, however, an Exige. Antlers, you know, won’t fit the fixed-roof Exige.
Prancer! Prancer is ike Dancer but, well, not quite so serious. Still nimble, but not so single-minded, more likely to stop and smell the roses, to revel in the moment. Prancer wants to pick up lady reindeer. And Prancer needs a trunk, at least a trunk big enough to carry a picnic basket. Prancer drives a Mazda MX-5 Miata..jpg)
Vixen! Everyone knows that that a “vixen” is a female fox. So it’s obvious that reindeer number four is driving another old model from the VW group, in this case the Audi Fox. Sold (sorta) in the U.S. from 1974 through 1979, the Fox didn’t have a reputation of reliability. With a 75 horsepower 1471cc engine, it wasn’t quick as a fox either. Very rare these days, not that it helps value.
Comet! Obviously a reindeer with an interest in special interest cars. In the off season can be seen at local car shows and Ford car shows where everyone says, “I haven’t seen one of those in years” or “A friend’s father had one of those.” Participates in volunteer firemen’s parades on Independence Day and throws Tootsie Rolls to the kids.
Cupid! Definitely one for true classics, Cupid has a thing for the Pierce Arrow because, well, how better to pierce a heart with a love dart than with a Pierce Arrow, such as the Model 54 Club Brougham, available with a V-8 or a silent V-12. Seen at better concours—car shows for rich people and well-to-do reindeer where Comet and his Comet would never be invited. A lot of class frisson when Comet and Cupid are yoked together.
Donder! “Donder” means thunder in German, but with a taste for American, Donder choses the 600-hp Dodge Viper SRT-10 for a first class rumble. Powered by a 8.4-liter V-10 engine, the Viper cracks off 0-60 mph in four seconds and thunders from zero to one hundred and back to zero in twelve seconds with side-pipes blasting. Thunderlishious, Donder.
Blitzen! In German, Blitzen is lightning, so what strikes harder and faster than a Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren? Not much, and most of it can’t be licensed for the public road. Mercedes claims the SLR can hit sixty miles per hour in 3.8 seconds—take that, Donder—and has a top speed of 207 mph. And as a two-seater, there’s only room for Blitzen and the lady reindeer of his choice. Buckle up. Blitzen has a license to fly.
And Rudolph: A BMW, because BMW drivers are likely, of course, to be out front. And because BMW drivers always drive around with their fog lights on. And of course, a fog light is Rudolph's claim to fame.By the way, has anyone seen the elves?
Illustrations courtesy manufacturers except Volkswagen Dasher, Audi Fox, Mercury Comet, and Pierce-Arrow, all from contemporary sales literature.
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